My voice

A voice

People are born with voices. Unless you are mute which isn't in most cases. People learn how to speak within 2 years or less, most of the time. But what happens when you learn how to speak and then all of a sudden you forget how?

My voice is pretty clear and sweet. My voice knows how to speak. But what I say usually does not get heard. That is why I stopped.

People wonder about the quiet girl and why she doesn't speak. If they would ask me my opinion on something they would know that I have something to say. I just don't speak freely because I feel like I won't be heard.

I lost my voice when I was fourteen. I was telling my dad I didn't want to go to the school he applied me to. He didn't listen. Instead he convinced me. He said there will be small classes and it wouldn't be too hard. He conveniently left out a small detail that I soon found out.

The small classes weren't just small. They were slow paced. They were for students that had a harder time learning. Although I do not get straight A's, I knew I didn't belong there. I was okay with getting a C rather than getting an undeserved A.

I told my dad to switch me out.
He didn't hear me.

I knew I had to try while I was in those classes. I tried making friends. I tried talking to the girls. They all just looked over my shoulder to the girl standing behind me. I tried my best. Some of the other girls in my class were skipping or smoking in the bathroom. No one knew about those girls but I didn't want to be a part of them. Those girls weren't like me. None of them were. I knew I didn't fit in. But I also knew I wouldn't be heard. So I stopped begging.

I brought a book to school a few weeks in after multiple tries to talk to the girls. I sat in my seat and read during break time. No one invited me to go with them to get lunch. After all I already received the name "the quiet girl". I read one book, another book, another and another.

When I was bored of reading I would take out my sketch pad from art class. Drawing, reading and writing became my safety zone. I felt like I was finally speaking and it mattered.

No one saw my words or my work. No one read the stories I did. It was all for me. I was saying something.

One day it all became too much. The pressure of going to school. The pressure of just watching everyone enjoy being social and knowing I couldn't do that.

It was all too much for me. I didn't go into the building that day. I got into a lot of trouble with the school, my parents, and even cops.

The next few days my parents let me take the day off. They took me to a therapist hoping she could figure out why I did it.

My parents didn't know I didn't want to talk to a stranger. All I wanted to talk to was them. I knew they wouldn't listen though. So I went to the therapist and didn't speak at all.

I went back to school, barely though. I went every few days. And I still got my undeserved A on all tests.

I tried my best to think that it will all be over sooner than I know. But I wasn't sure about that. For all I knew, I would be stuck there for the next 3 years plus.

I started caring less and less about everything in my life. I never talked to my friends from elementary or summer camp because I was scared they would find out i was in a class for girls with learning disabilities.

I was scared they would find out who I am. A cheat.

I didn't want to be a cheat.
It wasn't even technically cheating. But I didn't deserve to be there and I knew that.

I started spending less time with my family, less time with my cousins and sisters. I felt tired of everything. I felt like all my energy was being used on going to school.

After that year was over, I got into a regular school. I felt like I didn't deserve to be there either. I was finally accepting the fact that I wasn't smart. Now I had to work for my A's to make my parents proud.

They didn't care about an A though. They just missed who I used to be. To be honest I miss the old me too.

I don't know where to find my voice. Once I stopped speaking it became hard for me to start again. I never give extra information. What if they weren't interested?

I answer only when asked a question. Sometimes I don't even feel comfortable doing that.

When someone speaks to me I feel like I'm panicking. What's if I say the wrong thing and push them away? What if the answer I give isn't right? Will they ever speak to me again?

Learning how to speak is something that all humans go through. It takes approximately two years for a baby to learn the language. Slowly, word by word they speak the language. I too have to slowly relearn how to speak. Word by word. Sound by sound.
Slowly.
I know I can do it.
The question is how.
🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁
The essay is over so you don't have to read this part.
I hope you like it. I feel like I am over sharing a little. I just know I can do this anonymously and that helps me a lot.
If anyone ever felt the same way I did, please comment so. It's all anonymous and I would love to know that I didn't go through this feeling alone.

Goodnight sunshine-
Much love,
The author (?!?!?)

P.S. I'm hoping to start writing fictional stories. Well the truth is I am writing a bunch of stories. I am hoping to post them soon. And I hope you guys will read, and like them.

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