I don't know how else to say it but it's what I know I don't feel right I don't laugh, I don't smile, I don't even get angry, only feelings inside me are sorrow and emptiness but when I finally did feel that ping of hope that I may smile one day, it just flickers and goes away within seconds of even being in existence I wish there were better words, describe it, but I don't know if it's a lie or a fact that I feel I have to lie about how I feel. That I need to be fine or everyone will just think I'm a reject every time I feel like I want to say how I truly feel like I feel like I'm about to vomit and spill my guts while crying my eyes out, but I can't do that because everyone will think I'm a failure. And when someone says I'm faking it for attention, that just makes me want to shut down even more, just block out everyone block out my friends, my family, the ones I care for most and when there's a time to cry, and I don't the only thought running through my head it's what is wrong with me, but I figured it out, I want to cry, but I have no tears to use because they are no more, I used them way too much thinking about how how am I childhood was a wreck, wishing that I was better maybe, just maybe things would be different, but they're not, and it will never be, because that is how life works, it is never fair, and I am not ok and people say, it's fine to not be ok, but do they really know what it feels like to be afraid, saying how you truly are? For the fear of getting placed into a mental hospital because of the thoughts that you have. The sadness in the sorrow were the only things that do my heart, there was once a time where I was happy or in love, but those times are over and haven't felt those in so so long I wish I could, but I just don't know how. Yes I laugh, I smile, I try and seem ok, and people buy it, they think it's true, but it never has been and every time I close my eyes, I just wonder, when will this be over, when can I finally let my mask down, when can I finally be myself But then I remember that I am just a freak that everyone will forget about in the near future, I'm a ghost with in their story, they don't even know exists until they look at me in disgust, wondering, why am I like that and I know why they think that because I am what they think to themselves that I am one who chose to express it truly for I don't try and hide it with being popular or wearing makeup are trying to fit in, I be myself, but still I get thrown out For I am not know Phoenix who will rise from the ashes no I'm not any embers of a fire keep raging on, given the fuel to burn but no, I am just the dust and the damage that gets left behind after everything is finished, I will be there when anyone isn't And when someone needs a hug, I'll be willing to hug them when someone needs help, I am willing to help when they need someone to listen to them, I will listen, but will anyone do that for me? I wonder, but then I remember no, no, they won't because I am the one who was the side character, the therapist, the one who has to be fine for for everyone's sanity, so I can listen to their stories and I can help them I can fix their problems But I will be that no longer I will shut everything down, and when they say hey, I need someone to talk to yes, I will still listen, but I won't help. I want to be as nice as I was before, but I'm not for my kindness was treated as a weakness and I wish it wasn't because it is not a weakness, it is something that makes you seem stronger because you were willing to endure the pain that you have on yourself while helping others, and you never know what one is going through, so be kind, but if you really need to know, I am not ok and I haven't been for a long time. But that does not matter because I am the one who helps. No king, I am no soldier, I am no poet, I am the the listener, the librarian, but one who hears everything. I know 1000 tales of 1000 different people, that does not matter, because who will tell my story in the end? For my soul is transparent and anyone can look through and see how it is, but they choose not to. So I will say that I am ok and that will be it, and hopefully no one asks about it, because once they say, hey, are you ok, that's when everything will fall apart and I don't want it to.
