Peculiar Adventure (MPHFPC Millard X Reader)

The Before

       I spent the last afternoon of Before constructing a 1/10,000-scale replica of the Empire State Building from boxes of adult diapers. It was a thing of beauty, really, spanning five feet at it base and towering above the cosmetics aisle, with jumbos for the foundations, lites for the observation deck, and meticulously stacked trail sizes for its iconic spire. It was almost perfect, minus one crucial detail.
       "You used Neverleak," Shelly said, eyeing my craftmanship with a skeptical look. "The sale's on Stay-Tite." Shelly was the store manger, and her slumped shoulders and dour expression were as much a part of her uniform as the blue polo shirts we all had to wear.
       "I thought you said Neverlkeak." I saide, because she had.
       "Stay-Tite," she insisted, shaking her head regretfully. Her eyes shifted from me to the tower and then back to me again.
       "Ohhhhh," I said finally. "You mean you want me to do it over?"
       "It's just that you used Neveroleak." She repeated.
       "No problem. I'll get started right away." With the toe of my regulation black sneaker I nudged a single box from the tower's foundation. In an instant the whole magnificent structure was cascading down around us, sending a tidal wave of diapers crashing across the floor, boxes caroming off the legs of startled customers, skidding as far as the automatic door, which slid open, letting in a rush of Augest heat.
       Shelley's face turned the color of ripe pomegrante. She should've fired me on the spot, but I knew I'd never be so lucky. I'd been trying to get fired from Smart Aid all summer, and it had proved next to impossible. I came in late, repeatedly and with the filimsiest of excuses; made shockingly incorrect change; even misshelved things on purpose, stocking lotions among laxatives and birth control with baby shampoo. Rarely had I worked so hard at anything, and yet no matter how imcompetent I pretented to be, Shelley stubbornly kept me non payroll.
       Let me qualify my previous statement: It was next to impossible for me to get fired from Smart Aid. Any other employee would've been out the door a dozen minor infractions ago. It was my first lesson in politics. There are three Smart Aids in Englandwood, the small, somnolent beach town where I live. There are twenty-seven in Sarasota Country, and one hundred and fifteen in all of Flordia, spreading across the state like some untreatable rash. The reason I couldn't be fired was that my uncles owned every single one of them. The reason I couldn't quit was that working at Smart Aid as your first job had long been a hallowed family tradition. All my campaign of self-sabotage had earned me was an unwinnable feud with Shelley and the deep and abiding resentment of my coworkers-who, let's face it. were going to resent me anyway, because no matter how many displays I knocked over or customers I short-changed, one day I was going to inherit a sizeable chunck of the company, and they were not.
       Wading through the diapers, Shelley poked her finger into my chest and was about to say something dour when the PA system interrupted her.
       "Jacob, you have a call on line two. Jacob, line two."
       She glared at me as I backed away, leaving her pomegranate-faced amid the ruins of my tower.
       The employee lounge was a dank, windowless room where I found the pharmacy assistant, Linda, nibbling a crustless sandwich in the vivid glow of the soda machine. She nodded at a phone screwed to the wall,
       "Line two's for you. Whoever it is sounds freaked."
       I picked up the dangling reciever.
       "Yakob? Is that you?"
       "Hi, Grandpa Portman."
       "Yakob, thank God. I need my key. Where's my key?" He sounded upset, out of breath.
       "What key?"
       "Don't play games," he snapped. "You know what key."
       "You probably just misplaced it."
       "Your father put you up to this," he said. "Just tell me. He doesn't have to know."
       "Nobody put me up to anything." I tried to change the subject. "Did you take your pills this morning?"
       "They're coming for me, understand? I don't know how they found me after all these years, but they did. What am I supposed to fight them with, a godddam butter knife?!"
       It wasn't my first time I'd heard him talk like this. My grandfather was getting old, and frankly he was starting to lose it. The signs of his mental decline had been subtle at first, like forgetting to buy groceries or calling my mother by my aunt's name. But over the summer his encroaching dementia had taken a cruel twist. The fantastic stories he'd invented about his life during the war-the monsters, the enchanted island-had become completely, oppressively real to him. He'd been especially agitated the last few weeks, and my parents, who feared he was becoming a danger to himself, were seriously considering putting him in a home. For some reason, I was the only one who received these apocalyptic phone calls from him.
       As usual, I did my best to calm him down, "You're safe. Everything's fine. I'll bring over a video for us to watch later, how's that sound?"
       "No! Stay where you are! It's not safe here!"
       "Grandpa, the monsters aren't coming for you. You killed them all in the war, remember?" I turned to face the wall, trying to hide my ends of this bizarre conversation from Linda, who shot me curious glances while pretending to read a fashion magizine.
       "Not all of them," he replied. "No, no, no. I killed a lot, sure, but there are always more." I could hear him banging around his house, opening draws, slamming things. He was in full meltdown mode. "You stay away, hear me? I'll be fine-cut out their tongues and stab them in the eyes, that's all you got to do! If I could find that goddamned KEY!"
       The key in question opened a giant locker in Grandpa Portman's garage. Inside was a stockpile of guns and knives sufficient to arm a small militia. He'd spent half his life collecting them, traveling to out-of-state gun shows, going on long hunting trips, and dragging his reluctent family to rifle ranges on sunndy Sundays so they could learn to shoot. He loved his guns so much that sometimes he even slept with them. My dad had an old snapshot to prove it: Grandpa Portman sleeping with pistol in hand.
       When I asked my dad why Grandpa was so crazy about guns, he said it sometimeshappened to people who used to be soilders or who had experienced traumatic things. I guess that after everything my grandfather had been through, he never really felt safe anywehere, not even at home. The irony was, now that delusions and paranoia were starting to get the best of him, it was true-he wasn't safe at home, not with all those guns around. That's why my dad had swiped the key.
       I repeated the lie that I didn't know where it was. There was more swearing and bagning as Grandpa Portman stomped around looking for it.
       "Feh!" he said finally. "Let your father have the key if it's so important to him. Let him have me dead body, too!"
       I got off the phone as politely as I could and then called my dad.
       "Grandpa's flipping out," I told him.
       "Has he taken his pills today?"
       "He won't tell me. Dosen't sound like it though."
        I heard my dad sigh. "Can you stop by and make sure he's okay? I can't get off work right now." My dad volunteered part-time at the bird rescue, where he helped rehabilitate snowy egrets hit by cars and pelicans that had swallowed fishhooks. He was an amateur ornithologist and a wannabe nature writer-with a stack of unpublished manuscripts to prove it-whihc are real jobs only if you happened to be married to a woman whose famliy owns a hundred and fifteen drugstores.
       Of course, mine was not the realest of jobs either, and it was easy to ditch whenever I felt like it. I said I would go.
       "Thanks, Jake. I promise we'll get all this Grandpa stuff sorted out soon, okay?"
       All this Grandpa stuff. "You mean put him in a home." I said. "Make him someone else's problem."
       "Mom and I haven't decided yet."
       "Of course you have."
       "Jacob..."
       "I can handle him, Dad. Really."
       "Maybe now you can. But he's only going to get worse."
       "Fine. Whatever."
       I hung up and called my friend Ricky for a ride. Ten minutes later I heard the unmistakable throaty honk of his ancieny Crown Victoria in the parking lot. On my way out I broke the bad news to Shelley:her tower of Stay-Tite would have to wait till tomorrow.
       "Family emergency." I explained.
       "Right." She said.
        I emerged into the sticky-hot evening to find Ricky smoking on the hood of his battered car. Something about his mud-encrusted boots and the way he let smoke curl from his lips and how the sinking sun lit his green hair reminded me of a punk, redneck James Dean. He was all of those things, a bizarre cross-pollination of subcultures possible only in South Flordia.
       He saw me and leapt off the hood. "You fired yet?" he shouted across the parking lot.
       "Shhhh!" I hissed, running toward him. "They don't know my plan!"
       Ricky punched my shoulder in a manner meant to be encouraging but that nearly snapped my rotator cuff. "Don't worry, Special Ed. There's always tomorrow."
       He called me Special Ed because I was in a few gifted classes, which were, technically speaking part of our school's special-education curriculum, a subtlety of nomenclature that Ricky found endlessly amusing. That was our friendship: equal parts irritation and cooperation. The cooperation part was an unoffical brains-for-brawn trade agreement we'd worked out in which I helped him not fail English and he helped me not get killed by the roided-out sociopaths who prowled the halls of our school. That he made my parents deeply uncomfortable was merely a bonus. He was, I suppose, my best friend, which is a less pathetic way of saying he was my only friend.
       Ricky kicked the Crown Vic's passenger door, which was how you opened it, and I climbed in. The Vic was amazing, a museum-worthy peice of uninentional folk art. Ricky bought it from the town dump with a jar of quarters-or so he claimed-a pedigree whose odor even the forest of air-freshener trees he'd hung from the mirror couldn't mask. The seats were armored with duct tape so that errant upholstery springs wouldn't find their way up your ass. Best of all was the exterior, a rusted moonscape of holes and dents, that result of a plan to earn extra gas money by allowing drunken partygoers to whack the car with golf club for a buck a swing. the only rule, which had not been rigorously enforced, was that you couldn't aim for anything made of glass.
       The engine rattled to life in a cloud of blue smoke. As we left the parking lot and rolled past strip malls towards Grandpa Portman's house, I began to worry about what we might find when we got there. Worst-case scenarios included my grandfather running naked in the street, weilding a hunting rifle, foaming at the mouth on the front lawn, or lying in wait with a blunt object in hand. Anything was possible, and that this would be Ricky's first impression of a man I'd spoken about with reverence made me especially nervous.
       The sky was turning the color of a fresh bruise as we pulled into my grandfather's subdivision, a bewildering labyrinth of interlocking cul-de-sacs known collectively as Circle Village. We stopped at the guard gate to announce ourselves, but the old man in the booth was snoring and the gate was open, as was often the case, so we just drove in. My phone chiped with a text from my dad asking how things were going, and in the short time it took me to respond, Ricky managed to get us completly lost, he cursed and pulled a succession of squealing U-turns, spitting arcs of tobacco juice from his window as I scanned the neighborhood for a familiar landmark. It wan't easy, even though I'd been to vist my grandfather countless times growing up, because each house looked like the next: squat and boxy with minor variations, trimmed with aluminum siding or dark seventies wood, or fronted by plaster colnnades that seemed almost delusionally aspirational. Street signs, half of which had turned a blank and blistered white from the sun exposure, were little help. The only real landmarks were bizarre coloful lawn ornaments, of which Circle Village was a veritable open-air museum.
       Finally I recognized a mailbox held aloft by a metal butler that, despite his straight back and snooty expression, appeared to be crying tears of rust. I shouted at Ricky to turn left; the Vic's tires screeched and I was flung against the passenger door. The impact must've jarred something loose in my brain, because suddently the directions came rushing back to me. "Right at the flamingo orgy! Left at the multiethnic roof Santas! Straight past the pissing cherubs!"
       When we passed the cherubs, Ricky slowed to a crawl and peered doubtfuly down my grandfather's block. There was not a single porch light on, not a TV glowing behind a window, not a Town Car in a carpot. All the neighbors had fled north to escape the punishing summer heat, leaving yard gnomes to drown in lawns gone wild and hurrican shutters shut tight, so that each house looked like a little pastel bomb shelter.
       "Last one on the left," I said. Ricky tapped the accelerator and we sputtered down the street. At the fourth or fifth house, we passed an old man watering his lawn. He was bald as an egg and stood in a bathrobe and slipers, spraying the ankle-high grass. The house was dark and shuttered like the rest. I turned to look and he seemed to stare back-though he couldn't have, I realized with a samll shock, because his eyes were perfectly milky white. That's strange, I thought. Grandpa Portman never mentioned that one of his neighbors was blind.