I want everything with you

Author's Notes: English is not my first language, sorry if there's something wrong. This story contains graphic depiction of self-harm.

Max has always pretended; he invents different personalities for each person in his life. There hasn't been a moment in all his years of life that he hasn't been pretending. To the media he's the one who speaks his mind and is not afraid of the consequences. To the other drivers he's the one who's aggressive and audacious on the track, pushing everyone and himself to the limit. For Daniel he's cheerful and easygoing. To Lando he's a party animal and a bit of a gossip. To Charles he's the one who talks about the races. To Lewis he's a perfect rival.

Max always did this because he wanted to be what people wanted him to be, his father wanted a champion, Daniel wanted someone to be his perfect partner for the stupid jokes and pranks, Lando wanted someone to be his company on drunken nights and afternoons talking about the other drivers, Charles wanted someone to talk about the track temperature, how the tire degradation is and his fast times. Lewis wanted a ruthless rival, with just enough of an evil face for him to be able to set up his narrative of a hero who doesn't wear a cape.

In the beginning it was because he wanted to feel what it was like to be needed, and the moment you're not something that people idealize and want from you, they throw you away, and Max had a curiosity to know what it's like to be important to someone, he never thought he was needed even by his family, his father always treated him like a machine, he always thought his mother gave him up too easily and Vic had his own life.

But after years of trying Max just got used to pretending, it wasn't about feeling needed anymore, it wasn't about having good feelings, he could never have good feelings anyway, except for his mother, sister and nephews, it was just about not feeling sad, and what Max valued most in the whole world was feeling nothing. But he wasn't stupid, he knew what love was, at least one kind of love, the kind you automatically feel for your family, but Max could never feel anything for anyone else, not friends love or a romantic love.

Max never knew who he really was, who he's. Always when he was alone, he could never describe his personality, what he likes to do, what he doesn't like to do, maybe he didn't like anything. Curious, to say the least, because he's a driver and drivers love to drive and risk their lives to do what they love. Max thinks that maybe risking his life is the most interesting part, but he doesn't know if he enjoys being a driver, that's just something he does.

Max has never been in control of his life, but in a way he is relieved that he never had a choice, he has always thought that having choices implies having to like something, to know that he will be happy with his decisions, but Max knows that he could never have these feelings and could never use those feelings to choose anything in his life.

Until he was 24 years and 4 months old Max was never in control of anything, he always thought it was funny how life already starts without choices, but then he thought it made sense not to have a choice to be born, maybe if people had the power to decide such a thing the planet wouldn't have so many inhabitants, he himself knew that if he was asked he would never have chosen to come into this world. When Max was three years old and didn't even know how to ride a bike he was put into a kart, he was never asked if he liked it or wanted it, but he wouldn't have been able to answer anyway. His entire motorsport career was shaped on someone else's will.

Max never chose to have friends, and he never had one either until he came to Red Bull, on his first day at the factory Daniel sat next to him and said they would be great friends, Max never understood why anyone would say that to him, most people preferred when he was far away, but the Australian just gave him the biggest and brightest smile he ever saw.