Shoeless

On my walk, waiting for the light to change, I overheard the conversation between two homeless men (one with a shopping cart the other with a large trash bag full of aluminum cans, both in baseball caps.)

Bagman: What is it with shoe sizes? I'm an 8 and a half. Why are there halves?

Cartman: Because 8 is too small and 9 is too big.

Bagman: But why didn't they just use more numbers and not have half sizes?

Cartman: There would still be shoes that were too small or too big.

Bagman: But instead of like 12 shoe sizes with halves they could just have 24 sizes.

Cartman: That's too many sizes.

Bagman: No more than there are now if you count the half sizes.

Cartman: But maybe the sizes mean something. Like your foot is 8 and a half inches.

Bagman: I don't think so. In France my shoe size was 41.

The light changes, so we walk to the next block and wait again.

Cartman: So they have 41 different shoes sizes in France?

Bagman: No, they start at size 38, I think, and it goes up from there.

Cartman: Why?

Bagman: How the fuck would I know. I'm not from France.

Cartman: 38? That's more confusing than having half sizes.

Bagman: Maybe the size numbers mean something.

Cartman: Like met-tur-rick size things?

Bagman: Can't be. My foot isn't 41 in anything. But at least they don't have halves.

Me interjecting to their surprise: That's still not as confusing as hat sizes.

Cartman: (Takes off ball cap and looks inside) I have a medium but my hat is too small.

Bagman: (Takes off his ball cap and looks) I have a large but my hat is too big.

Me: Maybe you should trade hats.

Cartman and Bagman then exchange hats and the light changes. We walk to the next block.

Bagman (to me): What's so confusing about small, medium and large?

Me: If you go to a fancy hat shop the hats are sized in eighths.

Cartman: Eighths of what?

Me: An inch.

Bagman: What size are you?

Me: Seven and three eighths.

Cartman: That's way too small for a head. (Drawing an imaginary circle around his head)

Me: It's not measured like that. That is circumference.

Bagman: But, we are not in France.

Cartman: No! He said, "Sir-Come-France."

Bagman: I don't want to go to France.

Me: Circumference. It's the measurement around your head. But hats are measured in diameter.

Bagman: What is a die-am-it, her.

Me: The distance across a circle.

Cartman: Through your head?

Bagman: That is stupid. How do you measure through your head?

Me: You measure around your head and then divide by π to get a hat size.

Bagman: I would like some pie.

Cartman: There is free pie on Wednesdays at the place. You know the pie place...

Bagman: If we go there I want my hat back.

Cartman: Why?

Bagman: Because then I will get a larger piece.

(The light changes and I cross the street now thinking about Samuel Beckett. Bagman and Cartman remain on the corner still deeply engrossed in their discussion of pie. I wave goodbye, they wave back.)