Foolishly Falling for You

9

Anita

Breakfast in my home like every event is a fairly quiet affair. I awake to a bouquet of roses by my bed. I frown and pick them up heading downstairs.

"Who put these in my room?" I ask, looking around at the staff.

"Do you not like them? Are they not what Brandon would've picked," Lance muses, looking at his eggs.

I narrow my eyes and set them on the table. "Is this your attempt at an apology?"

He pats his mouth, and sets down his fork. "No."

I nod. Good. It's not like him to apologize anyway—

"I want to try. Earnestly."

I sit down at the table, beginning to eat. "A new hobby?" I muse as if we weren't just screaming at one another last night.

"At us. Our marriage. Sincerely. Let's both try. There was an urgent message from the crown. I'm off. Before I go off to war. Before we...may not see each other again."

I scoff. Of course. This is about war. Isn't everything. The feared Admiral. He wants to leave on a good note, give him a better chance at victory. Such a superstition. Maybe soldiers say if you leave with your wife hating you, you won't make it back. Nothing to make it back to. This is what this is about isn't it?

"Why?" I ask, tearing a piece of bread.

He shakes his head. "Why? We ought to. So that we can put this to rest. To finally see if...if there's something between us."

"Of course it is," I smile. "There's plenty between us. Resentment. Hatred. A ruined marriage. A dead child. A war and soon, and I cannot wait I hope it is soon—an ocean."

I stand, and he does to, making me finally look at him. I look over his face. He seems somewhat distraught.

But then his face clears, he stared at me with can only be called resolve. "That's fine."

"What?"

"It's fine. If you hate me or if you wish death upon me. I would rather that. But don't cower behind apologies you don't mean to keep me at bay. I have...understood my treatment of you has been...barbaric. So...I'm fine with that."

I narrow my eyes and smile softly. "Yes? I never expected anything less," I shoulder past him, but he grabs my wrists.

"Not because I despise your affection. Rather, I miss it. But because I understand it is what I deserve, and I am...I am all about getting what I deserve. So despise me for now while I am a man to be despised. But when I return...perhaps I will be a different sort of man."

"And perhaps the sun will rise in the west." I smile snatching my hand away.

He stared down at me, and I'm frozen by his intense gaze. I want to walk away. But something is lingering.

"When you loved me...my world was a bit brighter. And I was so used to it I thought...it was just the way the world was. But I understand now. Now that you don't."

How many years I have wished for this. And now all there is is bitterness. These words I would've died for, that I slit my wrists and offered my flesh and blood for. Now what do they mean?

Nothing.
They mean nothing.
I would've done anything for this.

He looks between my eyes desperately, before closing his eyes, stepping away from me.

"Thank you. For the years you did love me, Anita. I didn't realize it. But I think...I was happy."

"That makes one of us," I whisper, leaving the room, dropping the bouquet on the ground as I do. I sit by the window. Does he really think grand gestures will fix decades worth of damage?

He was happy. He liked my affection. Him. Him him, it's all about him. He lingers by the carriage, looking up at me as he speaks to the footman.

I watch him. Maybe I'll never seen him again. Maybe this is the end. Should I forgive him? Just for now? I raise the window, peaking out of it.

He stands at attention, his lips turning up as he stared up at me.

"I don't forgive you. And I don't love you anymore," I shout.

He cocks his head.

"...But you don't have to die about it. Come back so I can make you miserable."

He grins, and chuckles, raising his hat. "If that is what you wish, my wife. How can I deny you? While I'm away, will you consider forgiving me? Giving us one more shot?"

I narrow my eyes and look away. "I'll give you a shot to your heart if you ask again."

Lance snorts. "I'd better get off then, before you do me in first." He lingers and swallows. "Will you...drop your handkerchief for me. So that they can identify my body quickly, and give you my land?"

The servants and our neighbors gasp in shock, but I grin and peek into my room, throwing it down. He approaches my window to catch it in his gloved hands, putting it to his nose.

I frown, crossing my arms. "Don't be odd, Lance."

"I'll have Brandon killed if you see him. I really mean it." He calls, straying toward the carriage. "May the sun rise in the west tomorrow."

"I hope it sets in the west," I shoot back.

He chuckles, and sets off. I find myself smiling like an idiot. I know better. I wipe the smile off my face, and shut the window. I have to begin preparing. By the end of this war I intend to either be a widow, or a divorcee.

I am finally going to be free. Free of him, of being a wife of everything that has held me back for so long. It will take time, but I finally have a love that can never be taken or denied.

I am in love.

I am in love with my future. And it will bright.

I'll make sure of it.