Leap of Faith

Chapter 4 - Truths

Author's Note: Enjoy the angst. :')

~ Amina Gila

He's willing to admit, if only to himself, that he had been worried that there was a part of him that did want to carry out the orders he was given. Hearing that Wrecker went through something similar, and knowing he's still one of them, it... helps.

He still isn't planning to stay, but it does make him feel a little more confident that what he did while the chip was still in was not really him. He couldn't help it, the kid insists, and maybe, for the first time, he's willing to believe her. Not that he'd ever tell her so, of course. She has enough to deal with, without him talking to her about how he's feeling. It'll be best for everyone if he drops her off and disappears. If his brothers can do it, he can do it, too.

As often, Crosshair instinctively tenses when he thinks of them as his brothers, waiting for the automatic rejoinder of traitorskillthemgoodsoldiersfolloworders, but it never comes. It stopped coming when he got the chip out, and yet... he is... uncertain. He can't bring himself to trust that it's really, permanently gone.

Omega goes to the 'fresher once her ration bars are gone, taking her dress with her. He resists the urge to roll his eyes, because it's obvious that she's enamored by it, though why she finds the sparkly-ness of it so attractive is beyond him. It seems it would be more likely to attract attention and make the wearer a target.

He double-checks their room again to ensure its secure, before striping off his armor and piling it neatly on the floor. He'll put it back on once he uses the 'fresher, but he's been wearing it since he helped the kid escape days ago. And he wants a nice, warm shower to try and forget about their conversation. But until she's out, he'll make do with sitting on the edge of the bed and chewing on a toothpick.

The 'fresher door slides open, and the kid slowly steps out, now clad in the dress. It fits surprisingly well, and okay, maybe it's not that bad, after all. If she wears it indoors when she's not trailing after the rest on a mission. "I can't reach the buttons in the back," she complains.

"Are you planning to wear it to bed?" he asks, amused.

"... No. I just want to try it on."

Crosshair refrains from pointing out that she is already trying it on, and instead, crosses the room to her. "Turn around."

She does, and feeling terribly inadequate, he buttons the five buttons on the back of her dress. They glimmer in the light, as if they're gems, but they're not. Omega beams at him before going back into the 'fresher and turning around in front of the mirror, admiring the view. It seems so... strange to him, even if he knows that's a thing people do. And she's only a child. But it still makes him realize how wholly out of place he is. He's not someone who should be caring for her; truthfully, none of them probably should be – they're soldiers first and foremost, but... she seems to have survived thus far.

They can't be doing everything wrong.

That does not, however, mean that his parenting skills are sufficient to be around.

(That's not why he doesn't want to stay. He can't even admit it to himself – it hurts too much.)

Once she's done looking at herself – and he is totally not watching her with amusement, shut up internal voice that sounds like Hunter – she looks at him expectantly, and this time, he doesn't manage to stop the eyeroll, but he still unbuttons her dress for her, leaving her to change.

The water is warm and soothing, but it doesn't really do much to chase away the unwanted thoughts creeping into his mind, unfortunately.

He longs to have a family again, to have a place where he belongs. He longs to be surrounded by the familiarity and camaraderie of his brothers. He longs to be back on the Marauder, even if he only hides away from everyone else, chasing them off with snide remarks. He longs for it. But... he can't. He can't go back. Everything is too different now. Everything is... broken. And he doesn't think he has the ability or strength to try and mend it. When it comes to emotions, Crosshair has always found it easier to hide or run away.