Alternate Dream Part 2

13. Wanting

"I can't do this, brother. You need to find a way to release Pea from the pairing. She can't be expected to go through this."

"Hezron, you were there when the council made themselves clear on the matter-"

"You're the king! Surely you can do something! She doesn't deserve this, Fulton, I can't do this to her!"

"Then why did you pair with her, Hez?"

Hezron paused, running his hand down his face. He had snuck out late at night to sneak into the castle and speak to his brother. "Fulton, surely you saw her. You had to see how she was panicking, she was in a room full of strangers staring at her, forced to make an impossible choice! I couldn't stand there and let her go further into panic! I couldn't let the time run out and the council choose a partner for her. She couldn't end up with one of them!"

"Why not, Hezron?"

"She didn't want to be paired with any of them! She told me herself that she couldn't stand the thought of pairing with any of them!" He was pacing now, running his fingers through his hair. "They don't know her, they don't care for her, not like...." He stopped himself and gripped the table.

"Not like you care for her, brother?" Hezron left his head down, not willing to look Fulton in the eye. "When she spoke of not wanting to pair with those other men, did she also say how she felt about the idea of pairing with you?"

Hezron did look up at his brother now. "No." He said firmly "I had told her I will never pair with anyone."

Fulton let out a frustrated sigh "Why, Hez, why are you doing this to yourself?"

"You know why!"

"No I don't. That was almost two years ago, Hezron. There is no reason to punish yourself now. Are you planning to live like this forever?"

"Yes!" Hezron yelled at him. Most of the time he always appreciated how calm Fulton would be when he was spiraling. But at this moment, he couldn't stand how calm his brother was. How forgiving and understanding he was. "Stop acting like everything's fine, Fulton. What happened can never be undone. Those families will never have their loved ones back. Xander will never have his wife and daughter back. I may not have been the one to draw the blade, but I am responsible for all of the deaths that family caused. I am the one who fell for their lies and led them straight into our home. And every day after that, I am the one who spread hate within our ranks. Our men believed that beating innocent men, starving and assaulting innocent women was acceptable for outsiders. They believed that I would find that acceptable. Who am I to possibly think I could ever deserve to move on and be happy? I will never forgive myself for everything I've done and everything I've caused." He panted loudly, catching his breath. "I may not hold the hatred of outsiders like I once did, but don't ask me to not hate myself. I will never stop hating myself for all I've done. For all I've caused."

"Hezron, please. Don't do this to yourself, despite what you think, you don't deserve the hate you're giving yourself, I can't bear to continue seeing you like this."

"No." Hezron said calmly but firmly. "I must return brother, I have kept you from your own pairing time long enough."

"Hezron!" Fulton called, but his brother was already rushing out the door.

Hezron was still reeling when he returned home. He rushed into the kitchen, filled a glass of water and gulped it down, slamming it down on the counter.

"Hezron?" His head shot up and he stared at Pea like a deer in the headlights. In his inner turmoil he had completely forgotten to keep quiet. She was standing at the entrance to the kitchen in nothing but her night shirt and pants, her arms folded around her for warmth. Her hair was flowing down around her face, messy from sleep. God, she was beautiful. How could she not see how beautiful she was?