36 Questions - Wolfstar

A Better Version

  By request of Remus, the record was temporarily shut off while they checked into the motel. He said he'd prefer not to record a stranger without their consent and Sirius had agreed that it was unimportant enough to leave out.
The next time either of them spoke on the record, they were sitting together on a twin bed. Sirius had the packet in hand.
"Question eleven, take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible."
"You know my life story though—" Sirius shrugged comfortably.
"Refresh my memory then. Just the most important bits." Remus pursed his lips, sitting back.
"Well— Nothing super interesting about the first few years of my life— Small house, two parents, and an elementary school I barely remember.. And then when I was four I was diagnosed with MS which sort of blew some shit up in my life. Wasn't able to be in school for periods of time and it was hard meeting people. Spent a lot of time in the hospital—" He sighed, drumming his fingers against the bed. "I ended up doing a lot of highschool online because it was just— easier that way. I ended up studying to become a professor cause that's really always what I wanted to do. Had a couple boyfriends while I was moving between jobs— Had to move jobs a lot.. Um.." He bit his lip. "And then eventually I met you." Sirius was smiling softly at him, taking in every word as if he hadn't known all of it already. The way he sat was open and at peace, inviting. Remus shifted, clearing his throat. "Your turn.. I want to know your real life story."
Sirius seemed to jerk himself out of some sort of daze, nodding. He licked his lips.
"Then you will— As promised." He grinned, sitting up slightly. "Well— I told you I grew up in London in my parent's house. I was the older of two brothers by two years and— Well I told you more of the darker details about that so I'll gloss over it.
   Apart from the stuff I told you earlier— Well I didn't have boyfriends cause that wasn't a thing I could do.. Not in my parents house.. But the first time I slept with a guy was when I was fifteen." Remus nodded, remembering.
"Davey Gudgeon, right?" Sirius laughed, nodding.
"Yeah— That you remember of course.." He teased. "But yeah— Didn't make him up." He paused, biting his lip. "Only made up where it happened.." Remus blinked.
"Where—?" Sirius scrunched up his nose, looking down.
"It was on my parents yacht—" Remus stared at him in awe and disbelief.
"You're kidding..."
"Unfortunately not..." The other man let out a barking laugh, doubling over.
"Oh my god— There is no way you lost your virginity on a fucking yacht—" He choked out. Sirius smacked his arm, ears gone red.
"Shut the fuck up—" He muttered irritably, smiling despite himself. Remus's shoulders were still shaking as Sirius pulled himself together. "Anyways.. Moved out at sixteen— You know that much. Had odd jobs and all that— Almost died, moved back to London for a bit, started getting a bit more stable financially, moved in with a friend in Devon for a while and—" Remus held up a hand.
"C'mon slow down— You're speeding through too much."
"But I—"
"No no— I want to know about your life, remember?" Sirius fidgeted, looking out the dark window.
"But that part of my life wasn't important to me— It doesn't feel significant.. I want to tell you about the life that really was important to me—" Remus bit his lip, looking both frustrated, but also intrigued. Slowly he nodded his head and Sirius let out a breath. "So— Well, I moved to Devon for a couple years and eventually I decided I wanted to go to Scotland. I've always believed in going with your gut when it feels important and I was sorta stuck in a rut. I just knew that whatever I was looking for in my life was going to be in Scotland." Remus crinkled his nose, looking skeptical. Sirius only smiled, continuing,
"I rented a place in Edinburgh and got a job and waited. I was just waiting for something to click, but honestly it started to get really fucking lonely— I'd never lived there I mean I didn't know anyone.. So, every week I'd take a walk in the park by myself and just watch the people there— I've always liked people watching— Ever since I was a kid—" The man smiled to himself, licking his lips. "And one day when I was walking through, I saw this totally handsome man sitting all by himself on a bench— He looked like maybe he was doing about the same thing I was— Just observing.." His voice was soft as he spoke and the energy in the room seemed special— Somehow precious. Remus's lips had parted as he sat, listening. "He had this totally fantastic sweater on and I told him so— I told him that I thought he was rocking that sweater and he looked surprised— As if no one had ever approached him that way before." Sirius paused, a gentleness in his features as he remembered. He looked up. "He told me— He told me he'd claimed it in a very cutthroat round of yankee swap and I laughed— And he laughed— God it felt really good to laugh that day—" Remus swallowed, adam's apple bobbing. His breaths were deep, but a little shaky. "And in that moment I decided I was going to ask this handsome man if he'd like to go out for a cup of coffee with me—
And he said yes— He said 'I'm Remus. What's your name?' and I just stood there for a moment— And I thought about Sirius Black and all of the strings attached. And I realized— Why do I need to be Sirius Black? Maybe for this one cup of coffee I could be somebody else." He looked down, hair falling around his face. He took a deep breath. "So for this— This one cup of coffee I decided I'd be Patrick."
Remus let out a breath that shook more than the last few. His shoulders shivered and he no longer looked at peace. He looked almost pained. "Obviously that's not how it worked out—" Sirius stammered, shaking his head. "What was meant to be one cup of coffee turned into two or three bottles of wine on your apartment floor and a date that went into the wee hours of the morning—" He smiled weakly, looking up. "It was too late to say something, but I couldn't just leave— I couldn't just leave that man with his wonderful smile and his fantastic yankee swap sweater and his witty sense of humor— I just knew immediately that this was the thing I'd been waiting for, you know? Like if I let go then and there then why the hell had I uprooted my life to move to Scotland, right? This was what my gut kept telling me was so important." He swallowed, letting out a breath he'd been holding in his chest. "And I kept thinking— This shit only happens to people in movies, right? This is like the movie version of my life where everything comes to a happy ending— Because we started dating and it was fucking perfect.. Never once in my life did I enjoy doing the dishes or vacuuming or going grocery shopping until I did it with you and it just felt so perfect cause we were both— Together.. It really did feel like something out of some stupid romcom— Like shit— That was it.. I was so in love. I was better with you than I had ever been on my own." He shook his head, laughing— But wasn't the same type of laugh as earlier.. This time it was sad— Worn.
"But eventually after all that moving around and even my new name— My parents figured out where I was— Sent people to question you.. Figure out what you knew about this guy called Sirius Black.. And I just knew right then and there that it was over, you know? It wasn't a romcom— No happy ending, right?" His voice cracked slightly, fingers shakily messing with the bed's duvet for a long while.
Then he looked up, an odd smile on his face.
"You know— You know how people say your life flashes before your eyes as you're dying?" Remus nodded wordlessly. Sirius gave a hollow laugh, head falling back down. "I always thought it was bullshit.. I'd practically died at twenty two and nothing. No montage— But—" He swallowed hard. "When you confronted me about Sirius Black I saw it. All of it. Every single lie I had ever told you over two years— And you were waiting for me to say literally anything.. To tell you something that was real. And I just— Couldn't— I wanted to, but the words just wouldn't come out—" He was quiet for a moment. When he spoke again it was almost a whisper. "And then you were gone— You'd said goodbye to me maybe a million times before— In the mornings or before your trips— And you always came back.." When Sirius looked up, there were tears against his cheeks. He let out a badly disguised sob with a smile as though he might be laughing. "But that time you didn't say goodbye to me. That time I knew you weren't— Going to come back."

In a night full of thick silences, the one following that statement was the thickest. You couldn't have built up enough strength to walk through it if you trained for a lifetime.
Finally, Sirius bit his lip. He took a breath.
"Remus— I'm so fucking sorry—"

There was a sudden movement and before Sirius fully knew what was happening there were lips on his, shaky hands tangling in the hair at the base of his neck.
The two of them shuddered, Sirius clinging as the record sat, recording nothing but the occasional desperate breath and the rustling of blankets.