Just a man

How could i hurt you

I suggest you listen to song as it adds an extra blanket of sadness to this story, to hear the apology being sung may just break your heart more. Anyway enjoy my stars.

Xie Lian gazed down at his husband lovingly, he was so beautiful. Xie Lian couldn't possibly tell you only one thing he loved about him. No he'd fill pages and pages with all the details, big and small, everything.

To him Hua Cheng was his world. And he'd do nothing to change that fact. All his hardships, all his trauma, his suffering means nothing to him if Hua Cheng is by his side.

"Good morning my love." Xie Lian beams down when Hua Cheng stirs awake. Xie Lian's eyes crinkle in happiness, Hua Cheng learnt to sleep for him. To fake breath for him, to have a still heart beat for him. All done to make the god more comfortable. What would this man not do if it was for Xie Lian! The god is almost scared to know.

Hua Cheng pouts and grumbles something. "Don't be so grumpy just because I woke up first." Xie Lian giggles.

With that pout on Hua Cheng's lips Xie Lian thinks back to the tiny kid he saved all those years ago. That boy, Hua Cheng, had the same little pout whenever someone tried to pry him away from the prince.

The god sighs. So much time has past. So much has happened and for him to end up here and happy it's... well it's a miracle really.

"Beloved?" Hua Cheng questions smoothing out the crease in Xie Lian's brow. "What's wrong?"

Xie Lian snaps out of it with a shake of his head. "Nothing San Lang, just... I was only thinking of the past." He says smiling softly. Hua Cheng pouts again. "Don't think of it, it makes you sad." Xie Lian laughs. "Not at all, I was thinking of how I caught you so long ago." Hua Cheng frowns looking away. "San Lang..." Xie lian chides. "Don't feel sad for me, even I don't feel sad."

Hua Cheng huffs. "Isn't that a problem? All these things from your past don't they haunt you? I see how you wake up in a sweat sometimes, you can't hide gege."

Xie Lian sighs again shaking his head. "Come now San Lang, shall we get ready and head to breakfast?" Hua Cheng groans at the change of subject. "But gege." He whines. Xie Lian humms. "So what." He says. "If I was weighed down for all the men I've slain I'd be six foot under."

"But your pain beloved, I know it's greater than anything. It still affects you." Xie Lian leans into the touch of his husband. It's so easy to melt in his hands. "I can pay that price. Think of the others, they must be worse of than I. I am still alive. I have you." Xie Lian closes his eyes. "How could I hurt with you around?"

"Gege..." it's spoken much softer. "Oh San Lang." Xie Lian sighs laughing softly. Tearing himself away from the ghosts touch. All be it reluctantly. "Strip away everything else and all that's left is a man." Then pausing, "well actually, technically, I suppose I'm just a boy." He grins.

Hua Cheng nods. "A boy is your heart. Would you want to go home?" He questions. "Home? I am home. You're my home." Xie Lian smiles. Hua Cheng swallows. "No beloved I meant..."

"Ah~" Xie lian nods. "You mean back to my kingdom? What I once had many years ago. Back when life was free..." there's a certain wistfulnesses to the gods voice. Perhaps even a reminiscing tone.

The thought of his lover longing to go back sits heavy in Hua Cheng body.

"No." Xie Lian says firmly. "I've been away from that life a long time now. Catching you was the last good thing to happen to me for hundreds of years. Why would I go back only to suffer again."

"Suffer?" Hua Cheng echoes.

"Back then I was only a boy fighting for my life. After that god pleasing ceremony everything fell apart. I wouldn't go back to that time ever."