The Rampage MC #3: Atlas and Joy

Chapter 14 (Joy): I Was Definitely Off

"I'm a little ticked off today, a little pissed off today." ~ A Little Bit Off, Five Finger Death Punch

For the next three weeks, Kit kept me way off balance. He'd talk quietly as we prepared meals two days in a row, and I wasn't even sure if he was talking to me; his voice was just a deep, low burr of noise in the background and for all I knew, he was apologizing to the vegetables for massacring them. Then, for the next three days, he wouldn't say a word. He'd just smile at me when he came into the kitchen, and then get right to work. That stupid present he'd bought for me now sat on the counter next to the refrigerator. The flowers had only just died, but the chocolates were long gone because the club girls and the brothers  had ripped into them like vultures.

Today I'd woken up wondering which Kit I'd be working with, and that had really pissed me off. So when I walked into the kitchen, I was already on the warpath and nobody had even said a word to me yet. Not the way I usually woke up to greet the day, but working with him was throwing me off and I didn't care for that feeling. I knew why, too. Of all the things that he'd talked to me about two weeks ago, his words still rolling around in my mind, there were a few big-ticket items he hadn't mentioned that were pissing me off.

The man was already waiting in the kitchen with a smile and a quick good morning, Joy. Why couldn't he have been like this when we were together? And what the fuck was it about men in white T-shirts and faded jeans and biker boots?

Quit showing off your damn tattooed body and let me cook in peace.

I walked past him with a nod, tossed out his breakfast duties and got started on my own tasks. I must have been making more noise than usual because after a while of me slamming things around, Kit asked carefully, "Is there something wrong, Joy?"

Well, that was a loaded question. How long do you have, Kit? But I told myself, to hell with it. The new me wasn't going to wait around for some man to approach a subject that'd been bothering me for weeks. Keeping my back to him while I mixed the pancake batter, I considered what I wanted to say.

"Why did you laugh about me needing a reinforced seat if a brother ever took me on his bike?"

"Oh, Joy --" he started to say, but I was launched and I had a lot to unload, so I talked right over him.

"Atlas, do you know what it was like hearing you laugh about me behind my back? I've dealt with two-faced bitches all my life -- the male and female variety. They pretend to like you to your face, they act nice, especially if they want something from you, but then you find out they're actually trashing you behind your back and saying all sorts of nasty shit about you. You can't imagine how I felt when I heard you, the man I'd been with for months, laughing along with everyone else about the guys needing reinforced seats if they were going to take me for a ride."

Turning to face him -- you're not a coward, Joy -- I don't think I'd ever seen a man look more ashamed of himself or more miserable than Kit did at that moment. But, wisely, he said nothing.

"Why did you go along with that, with something so hurtful? I'll tell you why," I rushed on, not giving him a chance to speak. "Because one nasty person started in and, just like a magnet, it attracted the ugliness inside everyone else. Mob mentality. Nastiness is a buffet that people feed off of. One person starts down the line, then another picks up a plate, and then another, and pretty soon, a lot of people are in the buffet line, talking trash about a person. That's exactly what happened here."

He watched me steadily, his face desolate.

"I hadn't done anything to anyone in your club. All I did was work hard to feed all of you good, appetizing meals. I could have just done the basics and still met the job requirements, but I went way above and beyond what I had to. That didn't matter, though. I still had a target on my back because Trixie decided to go after me. Nobody said this is wrong to her. Nobody stood up to her and said, hey -- tearing down Joy isn't nice or kind or right. People like that keep going if they're unchecked and the rest of you jumped on her bandwagon, adding your own poison, even if it was just by laughing along with her, all behind my back. Well, you thought it was behind my back, but things like that always manage to get back to me, either through some person telling me or hearing it on my own."

Kit eyes were speaking volumes, but he wasn't saying a word. Instead, he was just absorbing my words and taking what I was throwing at him. With each word I released, I felt lighter.

"After listening to Trixie and all of you, I have to ask: do you feel so miserable and insignificant that you have to laugh at someone else? You don't have to like me, but constantly talking about my body or my weight or making subtle digs at my cooking like Trixie and the others did? Not cool. Whether you're doing the trash talking or laughing about someone's insults, both are equally bad. I don't get that mindset of repeatedly trashing someone or their efforts. Why not just move past what you don't like about me without ripping me to shreds?"

Kit waited a long, suspended moment, making sure I was done before he opened his mouth.

"There is nothing I can say to that, Joy. I wish there was. I wish I'd stood up to everyone for you. But I didn't do the right thing, and there are no do-overs in situations like that. You either do the right thing or you don't. And if you don't, no excuse you could offer matters. There're two ways forward. You may keep on like that all your life, hurting people without a care for their feelings or maybe, hopefully, you grow up when you see how deeply you hurt someone and you see the results of your actions.  Hurting someone you care about is the quickest way to gain some perspective and figure things out so if you're ever in that situation again, you will do the right thing. It won't change anything you fucked up in the past, but it can change the way you move forward. I'm sorry you were hurt because I wasn't a better man. That's hard to come to terms with, that I failed someone I care about in so many significant ways."

"I need to start the pancakes," I said and turned back to the massive griddle.

It was clearly going to be one of Kit's quiet days, even though we'd already talked too much.

Since the silence was too loud, I grabbed my phone and started listening to one of my playlists.

We were well into serving breakfast before I realized I'd been playing my heartbreak songs. If I hadn't already figured it out, that was my proof: I was definitely off today.