kelc has a crush/thought

ayo its been almost a year but i went on a date

went on a date last sunday

it was a guy who i'm not super super into

he's cute and shit, brings flowers to my performances and he's been really sweet all around

gives me super big hugs and stuff, all around good guy

so I yes I took him out for lunch

i paid $20 for parking, the works

and i expected he would be more charismatic than he actually was

maybe i was misguided by my own high expectations for what dating should be like

regardless it all kinda flopped. he's boring, and that's about it

i haven't had a crush in a while, and leading up i was really excited

but i'm mentally more mature now (compared to how i was with banana bread boy)

i can spot when someone isn't going to be a good match for me. and i don't have to take anything further.

it's nobody's fault, some people are just not compatible and that's how it is

and he's not gonna be the one, and that's all

i'm at the point where i want a relationship, or at least a crush

it's fun to crush what can i say

instead i'll retreat into fanfic, continuing to absorb content that will feed my ever growing fantasy of finding someone

intimacy is another thing. it's gonna take a while to feel ok with any sort of lovey dovey shit, boy or girl.

and i feel like i should be ready for a real relationship, and i want a real relationship, but i don't think i'm going to be able to find it

i look at my old school and see potential, but at the same time i see limits

there's never gonna be a perfect person for me

i need action, but i need calmness. i need excitement, but i need consistency.

i don't know what i want