The Awakened Seed

Lost again

I moved to government school when I entered senior high. Mum told me that the best chance to go to a good government university is to graduate from government senior high. She herself graduated from the best university in the country. So I followed.

My national exam grades were not that high because I studied a different curriculum in junior high. However, I managed to get into the second best government senior high school in my city. In the first week of orientation, I was placed in a class where all the students of the lower grades were. I thought I was the odd one out, not because of my grades, but because I had different uniforms which was different to government school uniforms. Instead of having long skirts, I was wearing short skirt with Batik motif. Instead of wearing long pants I was wearing short pants.

I didn't know anyone. Most of the students graduated from the same government junior high school with 50 students in a class and more than three classes of the same year. Whereas in my junior high, we only had 10 students at the same grade.

After orientation week, they mixed us and puts us in different classes. It took a few weeks for me to adjust to the new environment. Our chairs and were made of wood so they were hard to sit on. No air conditioner. There were six classes of the same grade with 50 students in each. For this reason we had to share the room with our seniors, meaning we had classes either in the mornings or in the afternoons.

Classes were also challenging because we had to learn Arabic and Sundanese. Most of the students have learned Sundanese in their junior years, and the majority have learned Arabic when they go to the mosque. Even in music class, I didn't know a lot of the national songs because I was never thought. I was just not used to how the government school operates.

I literally cried after three months. My parents were considering to move me to a local private school but after the first semester, my grades were surprisingly good. Being a student who was in the last rank of the national exam, ended up in the top five of the class. By the end of the year, I was still at top five, but I was unhappy because only the top four students of every class receives a voucher to eat in all you can eat restaurant. After that, I consistently was in the top three until I graduated.

It was not easy, maintaining the top three position. I had to be persistent on not cheating in class. my classmates hated me for it. Therefore, I studied with my friends who were also in the top three. I still joined the basketball extracurricular team as well as scientific writing group. Believe it or not, I maintained my life balance and choose the things that are beneficial for my studies.

But apart from studying, I was also learning to like the opposite sex. What I didn't realise that dating guys ended up me being far from God.

I wasn't going to church, even if I could I tried, but I couldn't feel God's presence. Didn't want to go to a charismatic church because I felt that it felt like party with all the full band. I tried going to a Protestant church early Sunday mornings at six but it was so calm and boring. This was my spiritual life.

At the end of 12 grade, I still didn't know what I wanted to study and become. I did an entrance exam to do you number one university, where are my mum studied, and got accepted in chemistry which was my second choice. On the other hand, I got accepted without entrance exam to an agriculture university which my parents suggested because of the big quota. They didn't agreed for me to go and study chemistry because they said I am not a lab person and also that I can try the next year again for my first choice. I couldn't convince them and continued to pursue my studies in agriculture.

Agriculture is not a very trendy degree one would follow. Who wants to be farmer today? Most mornings we would go to the field. Getting our hands dirty touching manure and soil. Carrying 20kg bags of oil palm seeds and digging holes for it. Then in the afternoon sitting in a class following theories on how to manage plantation for instance. This was my daily routine.

In between and after classes, I would attend student clubs and participate in scientific writing/assay activities. This led me step by step higher in terms of career achievements, allowing to study for exchange abroad. I was doing well at academics but in terms of my spiritual life, I was all alone still looking for a home.

Only until I finished my bachelors and got accepted for a master abroad that I found my spiritual father lives at the other end of the country. And even then I got to be in God's presence at church, learned about who I am in God, but still not fully understood and experienced God in my daily life. I was being equipped with knowledge and understanding, but have not experienced the full personal encounter with Him.