What happens if I had a different king?

Chapter 9. Pain

Angst Chapter
Warning: Wanting to die, Self Harm, Etc

|Sanzu POV|

It has been a while since Koko had brought a house mansion, we all had our own rooms and we would live together. I didn't have any motivation to get up, I didn't want to eat or anything, so I just stayed in my room. It was still quite dark in here. I looked at the ceiling and stared.

I wonder if I killed myself would anyone care? Am I just a tool for everyone... Am I really useless even if I put everything into it?... Why couldn't I be like Senju, everyone loved her, they congratulate her even if she didn't get first, they would comfort her when she was hurt a little bit, she say something everyone listened to her, But with me...

They ignore me even when I came first, they don't care how hurt I get they go to senju, when I want to say something they tell me to shut up... Maybe I don't have anyone to care for me.

I finally stood up after a while. I walked towards my private bathroom and locked the door behind. I saw how messed up I looked; I haven't left my room for some time. I looked at how my skin was paler, bags under my eyes, my lips looked dried. I stared at the mirror and then my hand found the razor out of habit.

I looked at the razor and smile as I left my sleeve displaying the artwork, lines long and short, deep or light, some new and old. I pressed down with the razor as I drew on my arm lovely art. I watched how lots of blood fell from my arm as I smiled so widely.

"Knock, Knock" I stop and see the puddle of fresh red blood. "Haru its me" it was Kakucho voice, I flinched, I didn't have time to hide or clean anything as the door was opened. Kakucho shocked face was all I meet till his face showed saddened.

I felt guilt wash over, he patched my arms and gently pulled me away from the blood-stained bathroom. Kakucho knew I could be unstable like this and sometimes more. Kakucho then asked, "why are you doing it again Haru?" I couldn't look at him, I knew if I did I would cry.

I hear him sigh, soon I felt something touching my head which caused me to flitch, I looked at Kakucho in fear, I watched how his eyes widen probably from shock. I want chu, she can calm me down. I wanted to crawl up into a ball and cry like a little kid once more. I wanted to be happy, I want to just die and hope in another life I can finally live a happy life.

I want so many things which I know would be impossible to have, I looked at Kakucho and that's when it all happened, tear began to fall I wanted to stop I needed to stop. I harshly try and wipe the tears away but they wouldn't stop so I force myself to laugh "why wont they stop Kaku..." I asked looking at him.

He soon walked near me and hugged me, making me sob, I cried in his chest as I held him tightly as he did to me. I cried and cried more than I've ever done. I'm so tired, I just want to sleep forever and never wake up. Why is living so hard when we are kids live was easier than now why? WHY?

I looked at Kakucho and say, "why do we live?" Kakucho froze but soon held me tighter and say "Cause we all have a purpose in life, we maybe live through very hard tough times but once you survive what life throws at you, you grow stronger and once he realise how beautiful the world is you will know your true purpose, Haru you are both mine and Izana best friend if you ever need someone to talk to you can us, you can talk to the others we all care for you"

My eyes watered once more, but this time I spilled everything to Kaku about my Trauma at such a young age luckily I didn't spill anything about the future, I looked at him to think he doesn't believe me and calls me a liar.

But

Instead

He hugs me tightly and says "I'm so sorry you had to go through all that at such a young age, I would have helped you if I was with you Haru" Kakucho words made me feel happy someone actually cared and wanted to help me.

Maybe I should live more longer for them...