Adventures Of A Female Loner

Neurochemical Warfare Part 2

All is fair in love and war or so the saying goes. Hi, it's me. I'm back for another installment in the Adventures of A Female Loner. I never knew catching feelings, feeling attraction, falling in love actually felt like being on drugs. Your brain literally gets bombarded with neurotransmitters like oxytocin (the love hormone), serotonin and dopamine (happiness and the feel-good feeling from rewards), and when you're not with the person who made you feel this way, you'll experience separation anxiety and stress. When I wasn't dating, my only reference for love was from TV shows and family. Both sources were poor representations. So imagine my shock when I started to feel this cocktail bombardment from seemingly nowhere.

In stories, there is always the beginning, middle, and end. The beginning entails the introduction and meeting of the two main characters. For example, the girl meets the boy. Stories don't dive too deep, but the girl and the boy by fate or by deliberate schemes come to fall in love. TV and movies don't do this justice. They don't show you the anxiety of the characters when they're apart. If the two characters have chemistry and actually look like they'd seemingly work, then you get to see them kiss or even make out. But they don't dive deeper than the surface level of what that makes you feel as a human being. When I first kissed someone romantically, I didn't know what to expect. I was also super self-conscious about how dry my lips were, and was super worried about my breath and if that person would be able to taste what I had for lunch (I still don't know if he can taste my lunch). I have never seen this nervousness portrayed in media. It's always so simple and easy for the two characters to smash lips. Even on making out, a director has yet to show me the awkwardness of two people trying to make out. The shake of the hands, the awkward side lip kiss, the clash of tongue on teeth, the resistance of lips to part. And I think it's a pity in a way when it's skipped. Because the brain plays tricks on you and then both of you laugh at the challenge. But then, the neurotransmitters attack, and your body eases into the next person, and your mouth starts loosening up, and next thing you know both of you just know how to move your lips in sync with each other.

In the middle, he or she has to go home after their first date, and they can't sleep because they can't stop thinking about that other person. In media, this phenomenon is some romantic positive emotion to experience. In my reality, this was torture! Can you imagine after spending some time with your partner being delirious driving back home? It's the end of a long work day, and you shower. You get ready to go to bed, and you close your eyes, but you can't bloody fall asleep! All you can think about is your partner and you keep replaying the events. It's like being drunk - your head is spinning, your face is red, your heart is beating super fast, you are sweating, and there's no cure. The literal only way for this to stop, I suspect, is to go and cuddle and sleep with your partner. Apparently, cuddling makes you feel safe and improves your immune system. So you are utterly screwed, and when you do eventually fall asleep, you wake up at 6 am because as soon as your brain becomes alert again, it thinks about your partner! You go to work as if you're drunk and you are knackered the rest of the day struggling to focus. You only get the relief when you're with them, and then when you're apart, you're drunk and knackered again.

In the end, the boy and the girl give in, they see each other again and again. And on the TV screen they have their happily ever after, but in reality, you're in a constant loop of chaos and comfort whilst juggling daily activities. In reality, you'll even question whether what you feel for the person is only brain chemistry and not some passionate yearning for your soul mate. Do you actually like the person for who they are? I spiraled. After the third date, I honestly didn't know what to think or feel. Movies end after the kiss or after some dramatic gesture happens, but the two still make it happen. It cuts to black and the credits roll. In real life, both of you have decided to keep going, but you both have to go home. It's neurochemical warfare. Day in, day out. Your mind can't stop the triggers, you message him because you miss him. He has to do the same because his mind is holding him hostage. And eventually a day or two passes, and you can think a little more clearly, and your heart isn't pumping so much, and I guess, the end is never ending, but when the warfare is over, you don't think your partner is such a bad partner after all. And the cycle repeats.

I guess that's love then. A blackmailing feeling. A constant fight once you engage in the activity. No wonder people have a hard time of letting it go.