I was there. I was there, for your late night trips, I was there for everything you said, I was there to hear, I was there to listen. I was there and I never said a word. Was there for your suicide attempt, was there for all of your bullshit was there to punish myself because I didn't feel like I was there enough when you drained everything that was left for me. I was there with your comparison, I was there when I wasn't the only one in your mind. I was still there when I self harmed, I was still there with my depression and stress from exams and the military and not knowing how is my life going to look for the next three years or more. I was there for all of that. I was there and I took everything and I said nothing. I let you. I was there and I was silence and people expect me to still be that way. I was there when you told me you didn't feel like I love you while I went through all of that. I was there when I felt like absolute garbage I was there when you drained the shit out of me I was there for all of that. For all of that and more. .
I wasn't there for myself, though. And you weren't, either. You were there to block me, you were there to get mad at me when I finally got mad at you for something. You were there to tell me I have no rights to. You were there to draw a huge "fuck you" on every word I say. You were there and you think it all vanished and it should've been that way and I blame myself for keeping it like some kind of an expansive knife I use to hurt myself.
Mistakes are easy to apologise for when they're pointed out. And I didn't. And you weren't there. And no one was. Because no one knew. Because fear of intimacy and inability to open up and feeling like I have poison in my veins and being so alone and having so many real, wonderful, good friends but not having the ability to ask any of them for advice. So there's no one. Nobody. You took advantage of my silence without intending. But you did. You did and I'm paying the price. You did but I cannot stand it when you're mad at me now because I don't get it. Because it's so easy because I feel like I'm a horrible person because you weren't there. And I'm glad you changed and I'm happy and I'm over the top and I know now I can be there for myself but I can't forget it. I can't. I can't. And when you point out my mistakes because we all make them and we're all human beings and now it's valid and it's okay and you're acting better but I still cry myself to sleep I still write this I still feel like no one is here for me. Not even myself. And I'm still going to be here. pointed out. And I didn't. And you weren't there. And no one was. Because no one knew. Because fear of intimacy and inability to open up and feeling like I have poison in my veins and being so alone and having so many real, wonderful, good friends but not having the ability to ask any of them for advice. So there's no one. Nobody. You took advantage of my silence without intending. But you did. You did and I'm paying the price. You did but I cannot stand it when you're mad at me now because I don't get it. Because it's so easy because I feel like I'm a horrible person because you weren't there. And I'm glad you changed and I'm happy and I'm over the top and I know now I can be there for myself but I can't forget it. I can't. I can't. And when you point out my mistakes because we all make them and we're all human beings and now it's valid and it's okay and you're acting better but I still cry myself to sleep I still write this I still feel like no one is here for me. Not even myself. And I'm still going to be here.
