ROCD Motivation Poem For Those Impacted

ROCD MOTIVATION POEM

My dearest beloved. Why do we push away those we love for fear of loss when all this does is bring it to life? Why do we feel the most for the ones we see the most? A good intention does not make up for a bad feeling, but it does raise the question, can something intended out of hurt, end up helping? This time, this fear of loss is all that consumes me. For I am not what my fears are but I am defined by my actions. To live in fear of loss is to suffer a loss many times greater than one otherwise would. Losing them each and every time the fear is struck like a chord. These dissonant chords clouded my brain and all I could do was listen and try to become of the conductor when all along I was the composer. Who forgot how to read. He forgot how to speak and he never told me that I was he and he was me. He never said, "hey fuck face! Why don't you get out of your head, so you can actually get ahead???" I hate him. He hates me. He hates everyone I love and he wishes for me to be a
lone. Each day I woke up and I tried to strangle him with my determination, but he fought back. A stalemate persisted until during the battle, we both saw you walk out the door. You said, "I'm leaving and I'm not sure when I'll be back." he stuck a knife in my heart and I felt I had to take it out and turn it on him. So I did. I eliminated my every upset from my life, the friends, the tones, the chemicals, the activities that so dragged me into despair and trash.

The feelings that caused me to repeat the same things over and over again and live within a circle of joy and then pain. It was never about you and it was never about me. It was that I clung to the same fears I had when I was a kid, and my brain hadn't clicked yet. I hadn't fully gotten it. I'd rather live the rest of my life as a disciplined man who listens to others and causes no upset than a taunting, anxious scared teen who only smiles when he jokes. I crave the long haul and a forever love where consistency is all there is.
If I'm to do the same thing day in and day out ever again, I want it to be positive. I am done living for fear and I will cry and sob at my losses and disappointments but never create false rituals to stop them, when all they do is stop my happiness and for those who love me. Never again will I forgot to tell others what I am doing, because I am compelled to go on a secret mission only my fears kmow. The mission is over, and the mission has been failed. The agent of compulsion has been killed in action by a more stable, grown man. One who is proud to say, I am me and I am healthy. I don't know why this happened to me or why it was allowed for so long. But I'd rather die than live how I did. I speak into fruition these stanzas that love will be all I put forth into my one true partner. The determination and loves lives within me, living within my bones and flowing through me like a river, but filling me like a flood.