Black Out

Chapter 4

I think at one point, all of us thought about quitting– about leaving all this behind and just go on with our private lives.

And again, I was reminded why.

I know that entering politics was not for me. I'm already established as a lawyer, as a wife to my husband who was a Mayor when he was still alive. I'm used to just being the shadow of him, the person who's always on his side but when he left us, it felt like I was left all alone.

In my words, it felt like the sound of one hand clapping. When Jesse was still alive, our life was quiet. But of course, now, everything was different, every move that I do or even my daughters do, it would be on the headlines the next hour. There was no turning back anymore, andito na ako eh. It's not that I don't like what I do right now as the Chairperson of Angat Buhay. Actually, mas madami ngang p'wede nang gawin but it's just that minsan nakakapagod rin. I'm a private citizen now but eyes are still on me as if I'm the one who won the election.

Hindi na kami tinantanan ng trolls at ng mga fake news, ano pa bang gusto nila?

My body rested against the railing, and I looked to the distance, listening to the sound of the busy streets of Quezon City. I wished I brought up my phone or my ipad instead of the alcohol-filled bottle in my hands. This is the meeting place of the opposition, or our hideout as what Teddy would like to call it.

I sighed and took a few sips of the wine I brought up with me as I stormed up here, to the rooftop, not wanting the others to see me at my lowest point; to see me cry. They knew that I'm still at the receiving end of the hate and bashing but I didn't show them that sometimes, I'm affected by what people say.

Kasi, kung ipapakita ko na naapektuhan ako, paano kukuha ng lakas sa'kin 'yung ibang tao?

The wine tasted good but it was almost lukewarm.. just like the tears that are escaping my eyes now.

I just needed to calm down to relax and collect my thoughts a bit. Right now, everything in me was in complete chaos, making my whole being rage and scream in frustration. All the feelings that I bottled up since 2012 are making me combust in anger and confusion.

"Hingang malalim.. Leni, kaya mo 'to. Malakas kang tao, you can do this. Kinaya mo 'yung six years, ano pa ba 'yung mga susunod na taon na hindi ka na bise presidente? You can do this!" I muttered and wiped my tears and sniffled.

Serving the people and helping them is all I ever wanted to do, and I would give up my life for it, well, I actually did, quite a long time ago now. But it really comes with so many sacrifices, Paano 'yung mga bata.. Pati sila naapektuhan na. I sighed. I'm lucky with my kids, they are strong and know how to filter out the noise.

Some tears wet my face again and my nose was running, I had no tissue with me, so I just wiped it on the sleeve of my white long sleeve.

I scratched the paper snaked around the bottle of wine.

When I stepped down as the second highest public official in the Philippines, I was glad that I was able to spend more time with my daughters, continuing what Jesse and I planned for them.

Jill is now a grown woman, Tricia is pursuing global medicine, and Aika is a professor in Ateneo now while she handles the JMR Foundation with Tricia. They are all achievers now and I'm proud of what they have become. But now that I'm a private citizen, it feels like I have more things that I could finally freely do that still comes with some prices to pay. I still deal with the bashing and unnecessary hate.

There's still some sense of responsibility to keep the fire burning, the thing what we started during the campaign for us to finally achieve the good governance in the next coming years.