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by TheCrowBeast

by TheCrowBeast

[ Fun Flashbacks I Didn't Need ]

(For context, I am an IRL/DA (Delusionary Attachment). At least I think so. Unsure. I might be something similar, but until I find what that is, I'm classifying myself as an IRL.)
(I have it episodically. The character of my DA changes sometimes. Currently it's Simon "Ghost" Riley. I've had the most episodes of him.)
(P.S. It's a mix of og and reboot cannons.)
(P.S.S. How tf do I talk about reality me vs DA me at the same time????)

Y'know you have poor mental health and bad psychosis when you start getting delusions and THEN get memories that aren't your own. First time REALLY getting memories from media! ☺️ (My last comfort character, I didn't fully watch the series and also repressed a lot of memories.)

That being said, I had some flashbacks the other day. Like, out of nowhere. No fucking clue what the trigger was. I was sitting in class listening to music idly and I just...

It was pure fucking panic.

I remembered Roba. It's all blurry since I haven't read the comics but I know enough of the content to still remember.

The thing I vividly remembered was being buried alive. That shit was fucking terrifying. I've never felt so claustrophobic in my life than when I was remembering it.

I actually like some tight spaces! They're safe. But this was absolutely NOT the safety I typically associate with tight spaces. (Duh, I was literally on a timer thanks to oxygen.)

Thank fuck I personally wasn't buried because I would not have survived. I know how to survive (the one good thing I got reminded of with the flashbacks), I just know that if it were to happen to me personally, I'd just waste my oxygen in a blind panic and suffocate.

Media me was way smarter than I am.

Thank god I actually haven't read the comics, because I did see Vernon in the flashbacks, but it was so blurry. I'm glad I couldn't see him vividly.

Y'know, I really would have preferred just seeing the fucking murder, but my brain's never liked me. (Plus idrk what it looked like.) (I haven't read the comics, okay?)

I remembered other fragments. They're all a lot more fuzzy, but I know that I am NOT looking at snakes while in a Ghost episode and I could definitely smell gasoline one time. And burning hair. But that's only because my brain knows what burning hair smells like, and not burning flesh. REGARDLESS, I still remembered it, so that's fun.

I haven't even finished MW2, I think I stopped on the one where you rescue Price, but I can't remember. I'd have to check.

Moving on from all that traumatic shit, my episodes aren't usually terrible. I sit up straighter, am way more observant, and barely talk. Plus, I actually know how to push aside my feelings now?? That's cool I guess.

(The absolute DESIRE to learn how to use guns because reality me doesn't know how to use them properly and I'm shit at aiming.)

Honestly, my brain just couldn't decide if I was og or reboot so I keep switching between missing Soap or missing Roach. I still kinda missed Capt. Mactavish but less than reboot Soap.

In media, I think I was in that weird middle ground between best friends and boyfriends with Roach???

He was nice but holy shit he absolutely kicked ass. I could never accurately match his skill while playing the game lmao.

(Thinking about Roach makes me REALLY want to learn BSL. I did it for him before, but reality me has never learned any sign language.)

(Meanwhile I'm happy reality me can draw but I'm still really jealous of how good both Soaps can draw.)

My memories are still all over the place, but then again I'm not currently in an episode right now, so it makes sense.

And I'm still like organizing the og memories and reboot memories which makes my memory even more of a mess, but I'm working on it.

Going to mention the new severity of my episodes to my therapist next time I see her, so yeah.

(This was unorganized as hell, my lack of knowledge on the comics really affected it and it's late at night but I really needed to get this out of my system.)

[ 2023/02/23 ]
[ UPLOADED: 2023/04/12 ]