Have you ever felt like you were so isolated from people that you don't know how to be a proper friend anymore? Because that's where I'm stuck right now. I guess I should start from the beginning. I've been kind of, well I don't know, lost I guess you could say. I'm not really sure what I'm doing with my life right now. I've just been sitting back and watching everyone live and I'm just...here. I'm just kind of breathing. I started to realize this today when I was talking to friends and laughing. I mean, all of them were so great and what had I done for them? Told them some cheesy jokes that weren't even actually funny? I hadn't talked to any of them outside of school very much lately. I always felt distracted with something else even though there really was nothing else to distract me. I had kept to myself a lot lately except for one or two other people. Which of course was my boyfriend and my best friend because they were the only ones that I had the motivation to put up an effort for lately. I even stayed back in my room at home away from family which not that I communicated with them much at all anyway. I wonder if anyone has noticed and if they have then why haven't they asked about me or said anything at least. This sounds so selfish. Maybe I'm just a shitty person and don't deserve to have these people in my life. This is all kind of crazy and I'm not really sure how to cope anymore. I guess I just need to talk to Derek. He usually knows what to say to calm me down and make me feel better. He's been like a brother to me for so long that he just knows what to do.
Well, anyway I guess it doesn't really matter. I guess I'll just have to try to fix everything, but I just really don't feel like it. I can't even push myself to care anymore. Actually I care for them I just can't get myself to show it. They probably just have me there because they feel bad for me or just to break the silence when needed. Sometimes I wish I could know what people were thinking but at the same time I'd rather not hear the negativity. I feel like it would just ruin what little confidence I have left. Should I even be thinking like that? I mean, these are my friends I'm talking about. They wouldn't have put up with me for this long if they didn't actually like me, right? Maybe I'm just going crazy. I guess that's what being alone all the time does to you. I have so much extra time to just sit around and think up all these theories to the point that they don't even make sense anymore. People say it's good to open up but what good will telling somebody about the deepest crevasses of my mind? They'd probably think I was mentally insane but I'm not that bad. I guess I just contain my emotions pretty well for a teenage girl.
To top all of this off I'm a total outcast *insert crying laughing emoji*. That's extremely dorky but I had to make sure my sarcastic tone was understood. I really don't fit in anywhere though. All my beliefs and opinions are totally out of society's "norm". I'm kind of just my own person. I've never really been like anybody else. A comfort son is something I've never had. Life is outside of my comfort zone. Maybe I'm just being a teen but I think I've always been like this. All of the kids wanted to run around and play while I just wanted to lay in a big field of flowers and feel the sun rays on my skin. I like to have my moments of peace to just absorb all the good vibes. I guess that would be my comfort zone. In a field somewhere with a pretty sunset. I don't really know anymore. Maybe one day I'll find that perfect field with that perfect sunset and finally feel content with my life. I can only hope.
