So, it's been a while and I no longer have a boyfriend. That's kind of why I've kept from writing...to myself. It's been a few weeks sense we've been apart and we're still really close friends. I can't really hold his reasoning against him and I'm not over him but I've come to the acceptance that he's not mine anymore and I'm already moving on. I didn't really see a reason in moping around because I mean, what's the point in that? The crazy thing is that I've found a girl. I've always had an attraction toward females but I've never truly found one that grasped my interest. I've dated a few, but that was only to have the experience. This girl is absolutely gorgeous and intrigues me in every possible way. Her name is Crystal. I've never met anybody like her. She's unique in the sense of she kind of just does what she wants and makes her happy without caring about what other people think. She really stays true to herself. Her hair is cut short and is a pastel purple color. She says she dyes it a different color when she runs out of the current color dye that she has it. She's always extremely bubbly and hugs me every time she sees me. I've never met a person who's been through so much and is so positive all the time. I love the way she looks at life and how her mind works. Which kind of sounds weird but it's true. I could sit around and listen to her talk for hours. The only thing is, she doesn't know I'm bisexual so, she doesn't really realize that I like her. Sometimes I think she likes me and then other times I'm not so sure. She gets jealous when I talk to other girls (who are gay obviously) but then she goes and clings to this other girl. They dated a few months ago and she never got over her.
Last week we were at an after school event and I was talking to her, of course and she seemed a bit upset. I kind of just let it slide though and then finally she spoke up. It was because April (her ex girlfriend) was back with a guy that Crystal didn't really like. He had treated April pretty badly and she couldn't believe she was back with him and to top it off she still had serious feelings for her. When I heard it I kind of got upset too because I mean, the girl of my dreams probably doesn't even actually feel that way toward me because she's focused on this other girl. It's a little upsetting, but Crystal's dated other people while she still had these feelings for April and I thought I might still have a shot. I mean ya, she'll probably be hesitant about it, but I thought that maybe I could make her forget about her. I wanted to be the person that made her forget all the pain she was going through but first, she just had to give me a chance. This girl didn't even pay attention to Crystal when they were together so, why did she want her so bad? Maybe it's the thing with "we always want what we can't have" or whatever because we're both kind of in that situation. She wants April who doesn't even acknowledge her existence most of the time and I want her while this other girl has a hold of her. It sounds really cliche actually. I'm like the best friend that watches the girl get hurt while wanting her to see that I was the one meant for her and then in the end she finally does and they get together, but the only thing is, the ending won't be happy and shit. It's just gonna be me trying to push my feelings down because we'll never end up together. Things just don't work out that way for me.
We're kind of polar opposites if you think about it. She's happy all the time and stays positive then, I'm just here with my dark cloak on, hissing at anybody who tries to speak to me, metaphorically of course. I'm not that creepy. Although it would be pretty cool to have a cloak, but that's not the point here. She's just confusing me so much. I've never had a person pull me in like this. I mean, ya I've felt like I was in love before, but I've never wanted to seriously chase after a person. Usually I let them come to me and try not to get a crush or whatever but she's got me hooked. The sparkle in her eyes and her bright smile just drive me crazy, in a good way. I've let her upset me with the bit of rejection she's given me. I guess she didn't really mean to reject me because she doesn't know that I've started to develop feelings for her, but it actually hurt. Usually I just brush it off when someone rejects me and move on. For some reason that's not how it works with her. I'm not even sure what to do in this type of situation. I almost feel vulnerable to her because she's got me wrapped around her finger. Fuck, I've even turned into one of those people that get all mushy and smiley when I talk about her. I don't know. Hopefully one day she'll actually see me, I guess you could say. Until then I'll just sit back...and watch.
