I'm a bit of a Pierce the Veil fan if you couldn't tell, hence the blog title. I thought it went well because I seriously have struggled so much lately trying to get a decent amount of sleep. I've always had these problems but lately it's been even worse. I just lay around for hours until I finally drift off to sleep. I've got a raging headache and I can barely even function. I must look pitiful because as I was walking through the corridor of hell today Derek saw me and instantly reached out his arms to me. As soon as he reached me and caught me in embrace I just kind of melted into his arms. I feel like he's holding me together sometimes. Every time I hug him he squeezes me tight like he's trying to push all the pieces back together. He's kind of my rock right now because he's just really been there and been able to help me a lot. He doesn't realize it though. I guess maybe if I told him exactly what he meant to me he'd understand, but I'm not good at putting things into words...I say as I'm writing a blog about my feelings.
I've been so out of it lately that I'm not even sure how to human. I just kind of go with it and hope for the best. It makes school work really hard to concentrate on, but that's kind of irrelevant because school is over soon. I'm changing the subject again but I just can't get my mind off of this. Derek is really close to me and I've never felt as comfortable around somebody as I do him. Well, I mean, except for my ex but that's different or it is to me anyway. He's just an extremely amazing person and I wish he could see that. He always says he's not helping me and says that others mean more to me or whatever, but the thing is, he's a person I don't think I could live without. I don't ever want to anyway. I use to always be the person helping him and encouraging him to stay with me and now he's that person for me. I mean, he still struggles with dark thoughts but he always try's to make me feel better and see things more positively. I'm not as bad as he is, but sometimes I just wanna lock myself in my room for a while and not come out or talk to anybody and he's always the person that tells me it's gonna be okay. That things aren't all bad and that I always have him. He's the type of person who tells me that it's okay to not be okay. That eventually I'll come out of it.
I think everyone deserves a person like that. Someone who will pick up the pieces and carry them so you don't lose them and you pick each out and put yourself back together a little at a time. No one likes to do things alone. Of course we all have God but I mean, he usually gives us that one person to take with us in life. Someone to help and support us. Derek is my person. You know, I think that's what a soulmate is. Not somebody who you've just fallen in love and is your significant other, which it can be that person, but I think a soulmate is someone who understands you in every way. Someone who is there to hold you together and you're there to hold them together. I've been kinda repetitive with this but, oh well. I'm just so extremely tired and I tend to ramble a lot when I'm like this. I feel like a hallow she'll right now. Like I'm just an empty body walking around without a soul. I'm hoping that when summer comes around I can catch up on all my missed sleep and I'll get better.
Right now I really want a person to just cuddle with. I don't even care who it is I just want to be comfortable and warm and not alone. Someone could just come over and comfort me. We could just nap and eat. Maybe watch a movie or two on Netflix. That sounds pretty great actually. Summer goals to be honest, but everybody's out getting high and drunk. I hate that. How is getting so spaced out that you don't remember anything fun? Maybe it's just because I've never done it. I don't even want to. I've watched too many people walk out of my life because of some stupid shit with drugs. I'm so terrified of abandonment and I feel like all my friends are leaving me. I'm not really sure how to feel about it. It's a little disappointing actually because these are people who I would've never thought of them doing that. I just want to go back to when they all thought the same way I did. Before there were other poisonous people in their lives to encourage their actions. It's all a little too much for me. I don't want to be left behind and forgotten or replaced. I'm really easy to replace and I think that's what's happening. Nobody seems to care if I'm in their life or not when they're with other people. I've always wanted to be someone's first choice, but I'm not even that for my own mother. She chose her drug addict friend over me and did it in a heartbeat. It kind of hurts because I have to relive that so much. I know people are going to walk in and out of your life, but you get tired of it when your parents do it constantly. Maybe I'm just being a drama queen. I'm tired of these things upsetting me but I'm watching some of the most important people in my life do things that bring me so much disappointment. I feel like that's all my life is. One big disappointment. Oh well, I need to go take a long ass shower and get myself back together. On to another day.
