Du Trésor au Fantôme

1 - La vision

A vision. That's how it started. A vivid imagination of somebody that I didn't know, that I'd never met. Uninvited but welcome nonetheless. I thought I was just high, that maybe there was something in the weed. Or maybe I'm just a dreamer, I can't help but lean into romance and paint a loving picture in my mind where I'm not just the bystander who watches and waits for her turn. But then the vision kept coming back, speaking a language my soul has spoken before, singing a tune that matched the beat of my heart in its natural state; unbroken and without any burdens weighing it down. I'd close my eyes and smile during those times. I'd smile at this girl who had long brown hair that sometimes looked blonde, looking back at me with dark green eyes that were gentle just like her hands running down my bare arms in a bed that we shared, as she reassured me that it was okay to be naked with her—that I was safe and loved.

A stranger...who loved me. I thought that was the most romantic thing ever. I pronounced myself insane and questioned how I could feel so loved by a stranger who visits me from time to time inside my head...then disregarded that question because this woman was different. This woman I know, I just have yet to meet her. I waited every day to meet her. I waited every day for her to visit me in my mind until then.

She'd present herself as this French actress who starred in a film that took place in a town her character resided in—a town I'd later find myself retreating to two years later by what I now know isn't coincidence. She'd come across as childish, free, adventurous, stubborn, volatile and emotional, and there was always a fire between us not seen but deeply felt. My only job was to love and take care of her, be kind and handle her with caution. I told my friends, my brother, anyone who would listen about this...this mystery woman—this dream girl, I suppose I could call her. They brushed it off, as would any sane person.

But then I met her. No, I HAD met her before, not officially, but I have spoken to her...I just didn't know it. Two months of longing for someone who has felt me this way too, was within my reach, has been within my reach since the year before, and I never knew it until one day curiosity got the best of me and I saw a picture of her. Instantly, I was a goner. 'Wow,' I said to myself, 'she looks just like her.' Excited, I showed my friend, and he merely chuckled and made this remark I'll unfortunately never forget, "She looks just like you."

I realised who you were. You saw me before I saw you, and the first I've heard from you was nothing but admiration and adoration. You asked me to spoil an ending to one of my written love stories for you, I thought 'the fucking audacity this bitch has' but gave it to you anyway because something in me screamed at me to never refuse you. You'd speak to me and I'd feel an underlying ping of annoyance but engaged anyway, because if I truly had been paying attention at that time I'd realise that annoyance stemmed from the sensation that I was talking to myself in another body. And I can't stand myself sometimes.

But when I saw your face, I cursed myself for not seeing it sooner, and I just had to pursue you. I just didn't know how. But that's okay, you took the first shot and I followed your lead. After our first real conversation, I didn't want to go to sleep that night; I was over the moon, flying with the stars, burning up like the sun, smiling like I honestly never fucking have before when conversing with anyone. 'My dream girl,' I kept repeating over and over, proud and eager to tell everyone who shrugged me off, 'she's real, she's real, I finally met her!!'

There wasn't a single thing wrong with you, you were instantly everything to me and more. You were the realest thing I've ever experienced. You woke me up. Like the people when Prometheus stole fire from the Gods to give to them, that's what this was to me; something I thought I could never have because I wasn't special enough or important, you gave this to me and ignited so much in my life I couldn't have foreseen. Never have I been more excited to be alive and experience everything that comes with life. To argue with someone, to love someone, to trade in hours of sleep for good or bad reasons, to feel sick to my stomach or enraged to my core, to listen to music and want to associate every single song with them, to rush in like The Fool in a tarot card deck and not pay any mind to where I'd end up because I didn't give a fuck. I was alive...and I was in love with this beautiful Parisian girl who'd break my heart wide open so that it may be reborn again, exactly as it was meant to be from the very beginning.