late night small write outs

home

i truly never considered the house—my home.

i never perceived it that way..

for the same household i grew up to, was the same household that made me felt like an adult.

i was never meant to learn those during my childhood, nor hear those from them.

just when i thought i could be vulnerable to them, they showed me multiple reasons not to.

hence, i grew up to be someone who hides their emotions too well. i never was able to.

growing up, i perceive the authority figure of my life as someone i never wanted to be with. instead of being a role model and a standard of finding good men, he was the footprint of my high standards and the main cause of my man hating self.

i loathe men because of him. he wasn't able to be someone i can look up to because of every actions he showed us even if we're just in front of them.

he just taught me how to not be vulnerable and never show emotions because someone nonchalant like him wouldn't care or someone like the caring figure of my life would take advantage of.

neither of them was someone who's emotionally available, in which, resulted me into starting a pursuit of finding someone who can be my emotional pillar.

nevertheless, it started horrendous.

it started with me having genuine love to eventually running around ruining, which was never what i wanted to.

all because i was looking for something they lack while watching me grow.

of course they don't have that because they never received it from their parents.

i pity them but they can never be excused for every pain they gave me, and for every invalidation they did that broke me to pieces, which i was still mending right now.

i just wish they just grow up, not physically but how they think and feel because i can never survive anymore with every bullshit they throw to me...

i can't just stay numb and watch them act normal the next day, no sorry, no making up, it's like it never happened.

just because they grew up in the same environment doesn't mean i should be treated the same.

you insisted that your experiences are too different from mine that it made me look entitled but it seems like y'all just haven't gotten over the wounds you had, you just project it to me, I don't deserve it.

i am very glad right now because i can hold on from any bullshit i keep on getting from y'all cause of a person who doesn't want me to be unalive.

and he's the one i call my home.