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November 2023
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Seated on the hard bench, the hot air from the vent above blew on directly down on her. Holland had to shed the sweater she had worn.
She stared at the wall across from her. It was sterile white, a reminder of her time in the horrid rehabilitation center all those years ago. The one her dad had forced her to attend.
The place where her life had be offered a fresh start. From that fresh start she would find her savior.
She vividly remembered what had caused him to do it. Just one of the many disappointing choices she made. "Did you hear me? Have you contacted anyone?" Raynor asked. Holland just shook her head no. "No one? Not even your stepmother or Sam?" Raynor asked.
Holland just shook her head again. "Are you avoiding Pepper because of your loss?" Raynor asked. Holland just sat extremely still in her spot. Blinking and breathing one when it was necessary. She didn't show a single flinch or display of emotion as Doctor Raynor asked her questions.
"You hide your emotion well." Raynor commented after she scribbled a few notes in her pad. It rested on her thigh which was crossed over the other leg. Doctor Raynor seemed quite comfortable, whereas, Holland was quite the opposite.
Holland noticed the pen had stopped writing, almost anticipating an answer to escape from her sealed lips. She saw it as a challenge.
"There's nothing to hide anymore. I'm just numb. Numb to it all." Holland responded, watching for the pen to hit the paper again but it didn't. It stalled an inch above the fancy, government funded paper.
A sigh escaped from Raynor's mouth as she placed the pen down. She pushed the few strands that had fallen into her face back, securing it with her glass which now rested on the top of her head instead of the bridge of her nose, "it's ridiculously easy to pretend everything is okay. It's actually harder to admit you need help. That you're feeling something other than being okay." she reminded, hoping to evoke something that would lead to progress. Raynor was beginning to hit a stall.
"I stopped feeling things a long time ago. Since the day my dad showed his true colors to me." Holland's voice cracked as she tried to convince Doctor Raynor of her words. It was partially true. She hadn't felt much, not until he came into her life and made her feel love.
"So, you resent him for the choices he made. Is that it?"
"I regret not being able to take back what I said. Even if it was true, how I felt, I should have never said it. I wouldn't have, knowing it was one of the last conversations we would have." Holland explained. Her finger nails began to dig into her palm, trying to subside this anger she was harboring.
"So you don't love anyone. Not even Steve?" she asked, raising her eyebrows on the word him, catching Holland off guard. Her body just moved ever so slightly and her pupils dilated at the thought of him. "ah, you do feel!" Raynor softly exclaimed, glad to see something for a change. She scribbled a few notes on the pad before shifting her attention back up. "Why do you love him?"
"He's been the only one able to make me feel... happy." Holland revealed, her hands moved from her side onto her lap and her stomach gently churned with butterflies.
"And yet, you've shut him out. Why's that?" Raynor questioned, picking up the pen once more. The question triggered Holland's flight mode, causing her skin to practically crawl off her own body. Her mouth felt as though glue has been smeared, sealing her lips from ever speaking again. "Holland, it's a question. I need an answer!" Raynor loudly sighed.
"My dad hated him." Holland spoke, letting a huge weight off her chest. She felt as though she could breath a lot better and the tightness in her throat began to resolve its self.
"And why does that matter so much, what your dad's opinion was of him? It didn't stop anything then why now?" Raynor questioned, giving Holland a stare across the room. Her lip pursed as she waited for a response.
"I was my father's golden child. His opinion, validation, love, was all I ever wanted. Needed." Holland explained. "I wasn't his favorite by no means, Morgan takes that title but I was held to high standards, standards that would crush an ordinary child. But he never saw it that way. He always wanted more from me. I finally cracked and found the one person who would bother him. Captain America. I never expected to actually find solace."
"Why didn't you ever express this to him?" Raynor asked. Holland got quiet again. "Holland, come on. It's called therapy, talk it out." Raynor sighed once more.
"I tried. Afghanistan really messed me up. He became self absorbed in being Iron Man and well, I tried to get back in his good graces after that overdose. I promised myself I would make him proud. He said as never proud of me. So I caved in, finally did something for myself." Holland revealed. Another heavy weight had been lifted off her shoulders and chest.
"You feel guilt? Don't you?" Raynor questioned. Holland knew deep down, she regretted trying to make her dad really disappointed in her but she loved Steve, never regretted a moment with him.
"I don't ever regret meeting Steve... and for that I can't regret what I did. I wouldn't have met him if it wasn't for Afghanistan or my dad becoming Iron Man."
"And why do you love him? Putting your father's opinions aside." Raynor asked, the pen ready to scribble a few more notes.
"He saved me at my lowest. Rock bottom. We climbed out of that hell, together." Holland monotonously expressed. It was there Raynor noticed the change in her pupils once more, an indication of expressing feeling.
The buzzer rang and Holland jumped up from the seat, grabbing her bag and swinging it onto her shoulder. "See you next week." Holland stated, walking out of the room.
She swiftly climbed down the single flight of stairs before walking outside, and pulling her cellphone out. Her eyes glued on an unopened voicemail.
"Holland!" Happy shouted, waving her on. She closed out and shoved the phone back into her bag, walking towards Happy as he held the door open for her, one last time.
