Illicit

Seventeen, Levi

Gabriella Gold is wrapped in my arms, naked against my cock and warm in my arms, completely consumed by the thick blanket she forced us to snuggle under when the bath water turned cold, and I was forced to pull her out.

Yesterday was a clusterfuck of everything I didn't think our lives would turn into, I might not be the biggest fan of murder, but I was content with the direction of my life before Gab came barrelling into it. Honestly, that continues to be more of a surprise than anything Dad has thrown my way and I find it hard to believe the truth of their army-grade weapons will change that.

She shuffles in my grip; the purity of our waking situation isn't lost on me and with the memories of last night overshadowing the stress of the day I can't help but think I wasn't exaggerating when I told her I was changing.

I used to be able to feel it, the dark grip of my childhood and training would linger around every move I made. Colton was my exception because I worked with him, but every notion of friendship made me uncomfortable even if I could never outright deny it.

Though I do believe it would kill me more to lose him than it was before, and I know that Gabriella Gold is the sole cause of that. The trauma and scarring that maims my head in ways I can feel all the time, but I am beginning to think that Gab isn't just good at ignoring the darker parts of her life.

It's almost like she doesn't know it is there at all, and for the most part I think the deeper reactions to what she has been through have never even occurred to her. Which means that what happened yesterday at the club has never happened before, and I am not a fucking expert but that has to be some kind of omen for what is to come.

"What time is it?" Gabbie murmurs, turning around in my grip and pressing her face into the crook of my neck, a warm flurry of uncomfortable warmth swarms by body at having her so close.

"No fucking clue but I could sleep for hours more" I grumble, as her leg hooks over my hip and my cock fits snug in the warm crevice of her thighs but I don't push in. For once keeping her in my arms without sex feels just as satisfying as watching her break apart. "How are you feeling?"

I can feel her wide smile at my question, "Like I was fucked within an inch of my life last night"

"You know I don't mean that" I grin, pinching the skin of her thigh and relishing in the innocence of our first moment together. I know it isn't, but it fucking feels like it. "A lot happened yesterday"

"There was a part of me that hoped Katie would say something incriminating, that she would admit she landed herself on Dad's payroll, so I had an excuse to punch her in the face. I guess in the end that didn't matter"

"Why would it matter if she was? I know that you don't see if, but you aren't a monster for what you did and maybe other people wouldn't agree but we live a whole different life to them"

"How do you deal with it?" She mumbles, her arms tighten around my neck, plastering her body against mine, so much more fragile than she was last night.

"You said it yourself, the way we were conditioned for this life was different but left the same kind of marks. I just think mine is more obvious because of the work I was thrown into, I learnt to withstand the pain, to see everyone as dispensable but it gave me panic and paranoia that I still struggle with"

"I had so much to distract me, especially with Ashton and working. I guess where I was sheltered from the reactions to everyone's actions, you were surrounded by things that only confirmed what they were teaching you" Gab realises, rolling off of my body and taking me with her until I am hovering over her body. "My life has revolved around keeping everyone I love safe, especially Ash alive and... this might sound wrong but being with you is the first time I have truly indulged in something for myself"