COMFORT CROWD [3] , jj maybank

6. why'd you do it?

☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆

   MY THROAT IS DRY as I groan myself awake. For a split second, I'm at peace but then it all hits me. I nearly killed myself. It all happened so fast. All the emotions and feeling like.....that. The last thing I saw was JJ. I groan, moving my arm next to me but it's empty. No JJ.

   My heart drops and I push myself up on my elbows rather quickly. "Hi," Blake says to me as he, Vanessa and Sarah are all staring at me. "Jesus," I grunt, back slamming onto my bed.

   "Do you need water? Let me go get water," Vanessa says, running out of the room. "I'd like to be left alone," I say, voice hoarse.

   "Not gonna happen," Blake sighs. I can tell neither of them know what to do after a failed attempt at suicide. Was it even an attempt? I was back on the island for not even a full day and I was ready to lose my shit. I've gotten weak.

    I don't think the pills did much in a short time. I think it was my hyperventilating and a mix of panic that sent me down so quickly.

   Sarah sits at the foot of my bed as Vanessa gets back, putting the water on my nightstand. "Does my mom know?" I ask. "No. We didn't tell her. Figured you'd get mad," Sarah says. Her eyes are full of sympathy and I hate it. I hate the sympathy looks I get after a breakdown. I haven't had one in a long time. Probably since before I dated JJ, at least not a major one like this. I haven't tried to....off....myself since I was like 13 as well. No one knows about that except JJ simply because I told him.

    There were other things that happened but I don't wanna even think about what I did to myself.

   "Drink the water. Drink it—"

   "Vanessa, would you stop?" Blake tells her. "Dude, she needs water," Vanessa retorts. Just to satisfy her, I take a sip of the water, sending her a sarcastic thumbs up.

    "Can I ask.....why?" Blake carefully asks. Both girls send him an annoyed look. I sit up fully now, "Because I'm batshit crazy. I don't know. I've got so much undiagnosed shit—"

   "Well, maybe you should get it diagnosed!"

  "Vanessa!" Sarah and Blake both shout. She's right but I don't feel like being a statistic. Everyone says that but I don't need to be another number for someone to calculate. If I had to guess, I have borderline personality disorder. Average age is 27. I've got 10 more years if my guess is correct. Maybe less.

   "Where's JJ?" I ask finally. They all share a look though. I sigh loudly. We fought right before this.

   "Before you ask, I didn't try to kill myself because of him," I swing the blanket off my legs, "Does JJ think that?" The silence is an answer enough for me. I get up and off my bed, dizziness hitting me right in the head but I ignore the black spots in my vision. "Sam, you need to sit," Sarah says, "We came here yesterday because I overheard something from Rafe. He's back on the island."