One Shots: Horror Stories

Self-awareness

People are scared of various things. They are afraid of worms, spiders, the deep ocean, death, et cetera. These fears, I guess it's not as simple as it is. Fears cannot just come out of nowhere, isn't it?

Thallasophobia, it's the fear of the vast ocean. It's not just about the water, it's the thought of how deep the ocean could be and there are a lot of things that are yet known to mankind. Living creatures, like loch ness.. who knows? The Kraken? I understand that. With a lot of folklore about mermen, "syokoy"-- as what Filipinos call them-- and other sea creatures that are contents of history. I cannot disagree nor agree with the supposed existence of these mere creatures. But, they wouldn't be there in the first place unless somebody experienced the spook of their life before.

So much so.

As I turn to the ripe age of adulthood. These fears are no longer what I feared the most. Amphibians, darkness, too much silence.. it's unsettling but none of them are more unsettling to me than myself. I fear myself the most, the possibility of me killing me, me losing to my self, my consciousness winning over me.

I fear it.

I fear midnights, where everything is silent and I am alone to myself. I fear my thoughts. I fear the memories.. the remnants of the past I mistakenly committed.. or did I? I'm not even sure anymore if I purposely made the choices or did not. I'm slowly losing myself.

I've lost the walls I've built over the years to suppress the force that I did not let out since then.

This force.. the fruit of them. The fruit of separation. Of sadness. Of feeling inadequate and so undesired.

I have always thought my wounds healed. It did not. I wrapped it up and left it in the corner to forget and remember when I remember.I hate it. I hate when all I can remember is the pain, the sadness, the betrayal, and the immeasurable loneliness.

I fear my self, I fear the things I am good at. Remembering undesirable events and feelings.I can't. I cannot let it show. I could not let it out. For when it goes out, it can never be undone. It can never be reversed and go back to what I was.. which.. I must admit, I am just pretending to be who I was.

It's hard to fight it. I am well aware of the circumstances yet my words, my body, and every sinew of it do the opposite. I hurt people, I hurt me.

I hope this fear would never engulf me. That I would not be dominated by me.But, why does something.. stops me from blurting what I truly felt? That it makes me terrified about what comes next if I express what I felt? It's difficult. The similarities of the difficulty of saying no. The fear of what the fruit of this refutation. the uncertainty. Uncomfortable and so out of place.

I have never been able to open up and pour myself into anyone's cup. I fear rejection. Uncertainty.. turned me into madness.Isn't it too evil.. too evil to pick up small pebbles which fell from people's pockets. Store them in a jar and use it on them whenever it's ready? Or is it just stupidity that I keep myself getting hurt for I hurt people I adore to get back at them? Is this why I am undesirable in the first place? Is this the monster that I became? Is the me fully engulfed by myself? Would I never see the light of day? I'm not sure.

I fear me. I MUST kill me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If you are experiencing anxiety, and depression, and feel like giving up on your life. Please know that you are never alone in this world. Here are the hotlines that you can reach out that can help you.

National Center for Mental Health Crisis Hotline09663514518

HOPELINE (02) 8804-4673https://ngf-mindstrong.org/home

In Touch: Crisis Line+63 2 8893 7603https://www.in-touch.org/

NCMH Crisis Hotline1800-1888-1553https://www.ncmhusaptayo.com/