The Playlist

Under Ytan

Under ytan finns stora och små
Under ytan finns det skratt och gråt
Det finns mycket där som händer som vi inte kan förstå
Men vi hittar alltid svaren där i botten av oss själva
Under ytan
Jag vet, jag vet, jag vet att du finns där

(Underneath the surface
big and small exists
Underneath the surface
Laughter and crying exists
It's a lot that happens there
That we can't understand
But we always find the answer
In the depth of ourselves
Underneath the surface
I know, I know, I know
That you're there)

Under Ytan
-Uno Svenningson

When you're out of tears you start to act out instead. You try to push me away because you're scared to be close to someone.

You're the one who's lost this time and have to find your way but I'm not going anywhere. I love you at your worst.

Losing your mum made you lose your footing. There are a lot of drunken nights where you drown your sorrows and I let you have it. For a while at least. At some point you have to work through the pain.

I know I can't fully understand what you're going through. I haven't experienced the kind of loss you're suffering. But I can be here for you even if you tell me that you want to be left alone.

You're so far underneath the surface that it scares me. I know you're hurting but you're hurting me too. I don't know how to help you and it's killing me.

I finally break through to you when I can't hold it in anymore. I start crying and this time you hold me.
"I feel so helpless. You're hurting so much and I can't do anything. You don't even want me here." I manage to get out.

"I'm sorry that I make you feel that way. It's not true, Haz. I need you." you reply.

"I'm sorry I'm making this about me. I know you're grieving and that takes time and you need that, but Lou? I worry about you. You're so self-destructive. I know I don't understand what you're going through but I'm here. If you want to talk I'll listen." I say between sobs.

You sigh deeply and run a hand through your hair.
"I wanna talk but I don't think I can right now. It's too new. My wounds are wide open."

"Okay." I say and calm down. We cuddle. Sometimes we don't need to talk. Sometimes you just need a hug.

Things change after that. You're not trying to push me away anymore but you're in a dark place. I suggest that you'll see a therapist. A month later you actually do it.

You start your healing process. You cry like a baby every time you come home from your therapy session and I hold you. Soon enough you start to share. You talk about your mum and how much you miss her. How lost you feel without her.

I think we're going to be okay. I know you won't be in a long time and I get that, but you're letting me in. Your wall is down. We'll get through this together.