Secrets of a Star

Intrusive thoughts

A lot of the spacing got messed up when i pasted this here so dont mind that

Tsukasa had been holding off for a while now. Yes, that rush was something so intoxicating, and he could only get it through this, but had chosen to try and go clean for a few days.

"A true star wouldn't do this."

Well maybe a star would do this, but Tsukasa knew that in his pitiful case it wouldn't work out that way. If anyone knew about it he would have a dark black, burn, singed into him forever. Anyone who knew about it would never view him the same.

He would go from a glittering, shining, brilliant, star to a dull, dying one. That can't happen to him, so he opted for alternative ways. Ways that were preferably much cleaner.

Every night he would shamefully stare into the simplistic, hand held, pencil sharpener responsible for so much delicious pain, and promise it that it will be used again. That it's not useless.

Tonight wasn't the night though. Despite the metallic lure of the blade nestled within its plastic container. Tsukasa tried to focus on sleeping. Even sleeping gets hard though. Trying to tame an addiction was easier said than done, the siren song of the razor sang out every minute, progressively becoming more dominant over every thought in Tsukasa's head.

It had been like this for about a week now, he knew his breaking point would roll around the corner any moment. Tsukasa hoped that eating even less than he already did would calm the blade's calls, but it never worked. He only forgot about it around his troupe, but the lust for blood had started getting stronger then the blissful escape his friends provided him.

He rolled around, his previously mutilated skin being irritated by the fabric that hugged it. Tsukasa tried to bury the thoughts that screamed for cold metal to once again slice through his body.

"Just shut up already." The words broke from his lips as he shoved his head under a pillow.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up" He could have said it a thousand times over, it would never quiet the urges. He would either have to wait it through, or give in. Tsukasa tried to think about his troup mates, hoping they would provide enough distraction for him to sleep peacefully. He could try thinking about his favorite shows they've performed together. Every single strange stunt Rui made him pull, Emu bombarding him with hugs everyday, Nene calling him an egotist.

"Hey! I'm not an egotist." He didn't mean to say that so loud, Saki was busy sleeping, and he didn't want to disturb her. Maybe the pillow was enough to muffle his sudden announcement? Tsukasa normally had a pretty good impulse control.

"how did I manage to yell?" He thought about it for a moment and concluded it was his annoyance over his pencil sharpener.

Oh, right. He actually managed to hush the constant hum in his head, just to bring it back a minute later. That's depressing..

"Im pretty depressing too." More thoughts washed into his head, encouraging him to just grab his blade already. Whispering into his ears about how painful he was to be around. Just an annoyance, an embarrassment. If anyone knew about this he would become even worse. Pitiful. Pathetic.

Eventually he gave up on getting rid of the thoughts, and waited for his exhaustion to overpower the sharpener. The poison words floated around him for a while, hoping for him to succumb. The more we wanted the blade, the worse he felt. the worse he felt, the more he wanted it. It was a miserable loop of painful desire. Tsukasa rolled around in bed more, pulling his head out from under his pillow.

It only came to an end when his head's screams for pain became repetitive, mindless, and allowed him to fall into the peaceful escape of sleep.

Of course only until morning.