Trapped in Darkness

Chapter Three: It's Just Paranoia

The brunette laid against a tree, the shade of its leaves protecting Zakai from the hot summer heat beating down. Yet even with that, the dryness and the heat still got to her. Sweat dripped down her arms, now bare with her jacket in her lap. The turtle neck she wore was tight against her skin and sleeveless to boot. Her shoulders, biceps, and forearms splattered with a constellation of dark brown, almost black, freckles. Unlike Ymir and Marco, both of which only seemed to have a handful of freckles spread across their faces. Zakai stared up at the obscured sky, gazing at how the tree's leaves were a lush, vibrant green from the seasonal shift between spring and summer. Branches twisted and firm, the bark a deep brown. Zakai let out a sigh, muscles relaxed and breathing calm. It was a fine afternoon, honestly. Yet something was still bugging her. It went past just sitting there and sorting herself to get her head in the game, to move forward. This was a stop, wasn’t it? A break? Wasn’t that what Zakai had been fighting since that day? Zakai closed her eyes, feeling a breeze rush past. When was the last time she felt like this?

Zakai didn’t know. How could she? Her world had been flipped upside down twice in her life. Moments when uncertainty, doubt, and fear flooded her every sense. What would her mother say? What would Nathalie say? Zakai couldn’t know that. No, things had moved too quickly for that. Zakai, instead, would just continue moving forward. She had to. Didn’t she? What would happen if she stopped running and stood still? Zakai didn’t know the answer. A lot of her questions remained with no answer, not a very solid one at the very least. Zakai inhaled deeply, exhaling softly. She had no idea what to do except fight. Zakai had to fight. Yet was it really so selfish to want to dream of a better tomorrow? To wish to be able to lay down under a tree, the sun shining above with no need or want to move forever onwards? 

Zakai furrowed her brows, stop thinking like a coward, she mentally chastised herself. 

Guilt wormed itself inside her mind again, chiding and scolding as Zakai shoved that thought down again and again. Only a cadet or not, war was no place to think of such fallacies. The fallacy such as being able to leave a peaceful, still life within the walls like so many believed just two years ago. No, that fallacy would only lead to Zakai’s eventual death. Maybe murder. Zakai had to survive, she had to push onwards. It was the promise she had made that day. Zakai would never let herself weaken or slow, she didn’t care what refusing that would do to her. She just didn’t care. That was what Zakai convinced herself, opening her eyes and grabbing her jacket, rising to her feet. Zakai tugged the jacket on, pushing her arms through the sleeves and hiding most of her freckles from view. Except the ones that were scattered across her face and the ones down her arms, almost at her hands. She ran her fingers through her bangs, grunting in annoyance at the resistance of the lightly tangled brown locks. All the same, Zakai departed from that tree. She was certain that she was fine now, that nothing nor no one could get to her. Not even Ymir with her staring problem. Zakai was sure of herself, the doubt was gone. Zakai was certain of that. She had nothing to fear. Wasn’t that right? The brunette’s every step towards the training grounds put her on edge despite her own self reassurances. Zakai shook her head, refusing to buckle just because of one confrontational cadet. Zakai was strong, stronger than Ymir. This much, she was certain of as she passed every tree. Nothing was wrong, Zakai was fine. Everything was fine, perfectly fine. Zakai was certain. Zakai had to be. What would ever be wrong? Yet her breathing grew sharper, muscles tensing as she stepped away from the treeline. What was wrong? What could’ve been wrong? Zakai’s eyes darted around, as if the commandant would come down from nowhere and scream at her like he had Sasha. 

Zakai’s mind had shifted away from Nathalie yet… Was this better? The feeling of being watched, eyes narrowed as she was looking for whoever was just watching. Was this how others felt with her? No, surely not. Zakai was crafty, sneaky. Zakai was subtle. This was all but slamming her into the ground, a fist around her heart and screaming ill intentions into her ears. Zakai couldn’t even be sure this was Ymir. Was it? If not her then who? Was it someone who knew her parents? Had they finally come for her too? Zakai shook her head. 

“No…” she whispered, “Don’t be absurd, they’d never come here.” 

Zakai’s words were reassuring, if nothing else. Calming, even. She took her words as fact, dismissing the feeling. “Paranoia. You’re paranoid. That's it.” Zakai murmured to herself. 

Yet the anxiety was unwavering. Zakai could hear her heart in her head, the pounding causing a distinct throb to swell up and steal away her focus. Zakai crossed the training grounds, noting that no one was there. Not anymore, the chill of the evening started to sink into her bones even as the heat was still persistent. Zakai didn’t care anymore, they could eat dinner without her. She wasn’t hungry and she wasn’t there to make friends. It was high time Zakai remembered her purpose. So, she swung open the door to the barracks. For once, it felt peaceful. That paranoia fading to the back of her mind, mind calm and still like the night. Yet the feeling wouldn’t completely go away. Would it ever? Zakai didn’t even bother with much more than taking off her boots and laying down. 

Sleep never came easily anymore. 

It was days of this, an ever building sense of dread and paranoia. Never knowing what was happening, who was around the corner. Days overflowed into a week. A week of Zakai watching the beginning of training with the ODM gear. Teaching how to operate, repair, and manage this gear. A week of fear, a week of low marks. A week of disappointment. It built and built, no reprieve. What was even happening? What was wrong? Zakai couldn’t help but question silently if Nathalie was to blame. Was it guilt? Zakai wasn’t talking or socializing, she wasn’t there to make friends. Zakai couldn’t trust them. She doubted any of them even noticed. Zakai would eat with them, shower with them, train with them. Albeit, the training had all been either learning about the titans or the ODM gear. Finally, finally it was different. Zakai felt at ease, finally. It had been a week. Zakai stood around, all of them waiting for their respective sparring partners to be assigned. Although, Zakai hardly cared. She was tired. She was always tired. 

Zakai sat down, muttering for Eren to, “Tell whoever ends up fighting me to just seek me out.” Both of them were off to the side, by the treeline. The brunette looked to her, she could see the hesitance in his eyes. Eren didn’t know her, not really. So, for him to show any concern was laughable. Zakai didn’t at all think it whatsoever possible that he could be concerned about her isolation. 

“Alright.” Eren agreed, walking away towards the charts where Shadis had it announced. 

Zakai didn’t care enough to try and worm her way with how many there were. In fact, after seeing Jean and Marco depart, alongside Mikasa and Sasha. She closed her eyes, letting herself just enjoy the peace. Zakai had noticed that Eren seemed friendly enough, he probably even knew whoever Shadis thought to match up against her for a first round. She knew he’d be watching and that's what she counted on. There was a slight breeze, blowing through her hair. Zakai heard steps approach, not even caring to open her eyes. What was the point until they properly greeted her? Maybe it would be Daz or Floch, even Samuel. Those that Eren seemed to talk with, among others. Yet Zakai heard nothing, just a low sigh. Driven by her interest at who actually was just blatantly staring, she opened her eyes. The sight before her had her face paling, eyes widening as she took in every detail. That feeling of fear tightened around her throat, around her heart. Zakai felt cold yet validated. His hand was outstretched towards her, pale green eyes peering down and a frown on his face. Zakai had garnered a reputation among the 104th for being particularly aware yet apathetic to much of their infighting, particularly Eren and Jean. Yet when she moved, it was to slap the cadet’s hand away and stand. Zakai was frozen still, muscles tense as she took in his appearance. She knew who it was. Of course she knew. The cadet withdrew his hand, gazing downwards and no longer meeting her glare. Neither spoke for a good few moments then Zakai did, voice firm and almost bitter.

“Bertholdt.”