To love your Colonel

Beggining of the curse.

April 15th, 2015.
5:27am.

It wasnt early, quite a normal time for Rodolfo to be awake. He had nightmares that would terrify him, pick in him, terrorize him daily..so waking up at 5am was the beggining of the whole routine. Wake up, Cry, shower, go back to sleep for 30 minutes until 6:30. The mexican man went to the Cafeteria..Being met with the TF 141 Members sitting down and talking and his Colonel with an arm around the sergeant major, Valeria Garza. It always made his stomach swirl in a way, why? He didnt know.

“Ah, Rodolfo!” Alejandro smiled. “Buenos Días, Soldier.” He said, same handsome smile on his face. Gosh how handsome he was. “Buenos Días, Coronel.” Rudy replied, going to grab food and water. He sat at a complete different table. He hasn't slept well in 2 weeks. Rodolfo even tried the medic but she couldn't help..Only offering some therapy sort of stuff. "A bunch of bull", he calls it. Playing it off as normal things for a person in the MSF to have..Rodolfo gagged on his food, throwing it away and quickly ran to the bathroom.

I couldn't manage to swallow my food. I couldn't bear the thoughts pounding in my head, burning my skin and hurting me daily..what was wrong with me? I threw up. It was red. Petals flowing around the now pretty red water. Petals? Why petals? What the fuck was I hallucinating? I quickly it flush down. It was probably hallucinations from the nightmare. The same one every week. Wake up, throw up, sleep. And it always involves Alejandro and that..witch. My own best friend. I loved her..loved? Sorry. Love. She's my bestfriend since cribs. Alejandro too..My best friend..He's such a pretty doll. Tough, strong..yet soft and delicate. So sleepy after work. I know everythibg about him..He danced with me once. Senior prom, his hand in mine and his hand on my waist as mine layed on his strong shoulders..but Valeria obviously had to burst back into our lives and ruin us. Me. My relationship. I love her, but as much as I do she pisses me off. So much I want her dead. Dead. Be headed. Blown up.

Why isnt she leaving? It's nearly 6. have I cried that long?

Rudy stood, walking to the barracks. It was oddly quiet, silence burning ao loudly in his ears. Why so quiet?? Sounds like people died in the building.. He walked further, eyes heavy and body feeling beat. He kept walking until he reached his room. He walked in, alone..Rodolfo sat on the bed, nearly passing out.

Sleeping would help..if he didnt keep coughing fucking petals!! Jesus, this is a pain..It hurts so much. A knock rose at the door before it opens.

Alejandro walked in, a smile plastered on his pretty face. “Rudy? Why are you in the dark, Sergeant?” He asked, opening it. “There's petals in the bathroom floor and a few lead to here, so I was concerned and came to see if you were fi—” He was cut off by Rodolfo. “Sí, Coronel. Ya. I'm fine.” He said. “..Right, you didnt eat..?” Alejandro shut the door. “No. Not hungry.” Rudy said dryly. “Alright, gonna sleep?” Alejandro pet his pretty brown hair. “Sí.” Rudy backed away from the touch, annoyed and exhausted. “Bueno, ya te voy a dejar. Bye, Sergeant. Buenas Noches.” Alejandro walked away. “Buenas Noches.”

As soon as the mexican man left the room, he coughed out a few more petals, gagging from the pain and the taste of metal haunting his taste buds. The smooth feeling of blood leaking from his gorgeous pink lips making him worry of how much this.."disease" thing he had, or delusion, was affecting his health. He layed down, exhausted and starving. He couldnt sleep, stomach growling and head throbbing from a massive killer migrain. Was this real? Was he hallucinating? All this is crazy. He is crazy. Some would say mental.

The next morning, Rudy was in bed. Limbs too heavy and still exhausted. Alejandro, too busy to realize his best friend was gone, kept laughing with the mexican woman outside in the training grounds with Los Vaqueros. Rodolfo walked outside, mentally and physically dead and near the edge of just collapsing from fatigue and Hunger. He drank water, hoping it'd cool down whatever needs the man's body craved and cried for.

It wasnt the best day, body so sore and throat so dry it felt as if a razor cut it. He was in so much pain in his lungs that he felt as if they were pulled cut by a chainsaw and tugged out and ripped from his body. Rodolfo was dying, mentally. Stomach feeling as if it was stretched out and ripped straight from his guts.

It was awful. No food would go in. Starving, dry, weak and cold? It was living hell in this cruel place he worked at. Where men went and never came back, where people die everyday and we are told to "suck it up cuz there's more to see than death"..Los Vaqueros bad grown more aggressive ever since the Las Almas mission where CEO of the Shadow Company, Phillip Graves, had died in his tank. It was awful, people mean and cold. Some joke about it, some dont care. He gets he was bad, mean and a threat..but let the past be the past and move on. Let the dead rest and move the fuck on. If they can ignore teammates dying, they can do the same for some stupid threat that happened 6 years ago! People were cold, annoying morons lately and it made him miserable..

It felt as if he was the only man in the MSF who had respect and was still polite. The only one with "manners". His mom never raised him to be a mean, impolite, good for nothing person..His father, already, was the definition of every single listed name. He'd hit him, yell, starve him, beat him again, overwork him..everything.
His father was the worst alcoholic he had seen. He was the reason Rudy's mother commited suicide when Rudy was 18 and able to fend for himself then. His father then passing away from liver failure and lung cancer. Rodolfo's mothers death caused extreme depression till he had therapy at 21. He has recovered, not fully, but still has. He hasnt dared to tell Alejandro or Valeria about the deaths or the reason behind the weirdly placed bruises on his body back in primary..only finding out in the military when he came clean. He was glad he got let in, loving being, what he thought they'd still be, "close" with the two friends. Nearly fantoms in the friendship. They made inside jokes, leaving Rudy lost and trying to fit in but fucking it all up. Making jokes but none of the two laughing, offering beer but they had already left to the bar without him..or adding more and more people into the "trio" they had ever since they wers babies. What happened to the three..?

Such good friends, happy and bright and full of light. Then Alejandro got feelings for Valeria, and started only agreeing with her from there on. It was annoying. He wanted attention, he wanted to be cared for. Why couldn't Rudy just fit in with them??? They were a trio, a friendgroup, bestfriends, FAMILY.. But no, Valeria had to ruin it all with her pretty skin, smartness, soft dark hair, spanish accent, brown deep eyes that held the most amazing ideas and thoughts..he'd admit, he used to like her in kindergarten, but that was before he had came out the closet in highschool..

He entered his room, sad and tired. Rudy layed down after showering, slowly drifting into an uncomfy sleep for the rest of the night..hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, maybe no more petals will be there??? Maybe he could eat again?? Workout and have fun? Maybe, he could wake up from this world. A nightmare that kept him worried deeply for his health. Why was he so scared? It was a nightmare. Some stupid, fantasy, cruel world he had been all fuzzed about. Was it really? No. But gaslighting seemed like the better option tonight.