something to you

if i die

if i die, maybe then everyone would be happy
My little brother wouldn't have such a bad sister.
My older brother would be the most successful.
My ex wouldn't feel the need to bash me.
And maybe then he'd realize im gone no thanks to him.
Maybe then my real dad would have regret leaving me.
Maybe then people would stop and realize that the broken red traffic light was painted over green.
And even though i have everything i need, i do not feel as if i "should".
Whether that be happy or content, the out come is rather small. Depression comes in many shapes, and mine, it came in the shape of thoughts and bubbles. And anxiety came in the shape of you...not in a bad way, just in a way that i cannot stop thinking, and thinking is fallowed by the anxious feeling of not feeling anymore.
If i die, maybe then i wouldn't have to feel.
If i die, my mom would cry and blame herself
If i die, my dad wouldn't step foot in my room, and not touch his guitars.
If i die, you would have to live one life for the both of us.
If i die, god would have answered my prayer.
If i die, i would have out lived my grandparents.
I don't want to die.
I want to live.
not for me but for you, even though i need to find a reason for me to live for me.
I want to chase sunsets with you.
I want to run on a beach at night while hearing the never ending crashing of the ocean.
I want to feel the sky drops running down on my face as i dance with you in an open Field.
i want to live to see my children grow happy.
And then in that very moment, I'll be ready to die.
I would have lived to see everything i would want.
But not now, however, if somehow something happens to the point where more then just you is reading this; i am very truly sorry and wish you the best in life.
I will send this to you when im done writing, in hopes you understand my feelings.
No, death has not greated me yet; but he is patiently waiting to take my hand.
This isn't a goodbye, but a farewell