Questions?

Questioning?

I was in year 4 when i began to discover who i was, already started puberty head full of spots, monthly periods and boobs, this meant bras (more like nipple guards). The main thing that i remember was going through the change of my name. (lets not talk much about the reasons for that). I don't really remember much but i remember feeling confused and insecure at this time as i was the only person in my year who had hit puberty so i was having all these hormones run through my body about boys,oh and girls? but i didn't really focus much on the girl side of my feelings i just kind of ignored them i didn't know about the lgbtq community at this time. I was born in 1998 where age of consent for homosexuals was brought to 16 like hetrosexuals so like equality was just being brought about really, so you don't really wake up to gay couples in your face. I grew up with both a mam and a dad and all my family hetrosexual couples so i never grew up knowing about lesbians and gay men. When you watch disney movies they present romance with a Princess and Prince like this is how you live your life looking for your Prince Charming.

I only really discovered what lesbian meant when i was in year seven, three years after i shown signs of being a lesbian. In school i was a bit of an outcast, i wore glasses, was the "silent one" (oh how things have changed) and didn't really have many friends so i made a fangirl account on Facebook, now i realise how bloody stupid it was to create an account, like the amount of dangers. I was off a lot in year seven i either skived or was ill and i acquired the obsession of CSI Las Vegas and i was absolutely in love with Jorja Fox (character:Sara Sidle) And if i wasn't doing that i was listening to Brittany Spears (everyones first women crush). But on this account i made a friend she was like 15 we started talking about like life, which is pretty deep when your 11 years old, she told me how she was bisexual and i didn't understand what that meant so i spent days researching definitions which lead me to other 'labels' of lesbians, gay men, transexals etc. So when i heard that bisexual meant having a sexual attraction to men and women. (Lets take note on the fact i learnt about sex in y4 when i read a book on it in my class about how two people engage in sex and i sat at the bottom of the stairs talking to my mam about how i learnt a baby was made when you put a penis in a vagina, so yeh i learnt fast).

The full idea baffled me i didn't understand it was like my full life was a lie or was being swayed in a direction of the "Normality", about how every little girl falls in love with a man and has kids now there is women falling in love with women and i just didn't understand. I thought the full purpose of being created was to procreate and well homosexual sex stops this meaning. My full life perspective blown in seconds. It took me a while to understand but honestly the one thing that really helped me understand was a video on youtube called 'Imagine A World Where Being "Gay" The Norm & Being "Straight" Would Be The Minority! [Short Film]' ( i really do recommend this.) I watched it and seriously does have the effect that is trying to portray how if we lived in a world where being gay was the normality and being straight wasn't, it kind of makes things easy to understand.

Even though i had just learnt about how it is ok to have a crush on someone of the same sex i didn't really still consider myself as anything other then straight like i began to question myself like when i would see a really attractive girl in the street, do i fancy her? or do i want to be her? that was the connection i couldn't understand or break. I was only 11 years old and i was still really playing with dolls and of course my XBOX 360, such a dramatic personality split i suppose i've never really been a stereotypical girl but that's ok, who needs stereotypes.

So nothing much really went on after that like my grandad died after a long battle to esophagus cancer, but lets not go there. But just a little shout out for him, Dennis William Lynas was one of the sweetest and kindest man you would ever meet. He did everything for everyone, i saw him everyday as he picked me up from primary and in year seven. He was such a brave man who didn't tell anyone of his illness up until a week before he died (his wife, my grandma). I don't really want to talk much on that subject because even though he has been gone for a few years now the subject is pretty raw.

But nevertheless life was alright, not the worst, not the best. Confusing, strange and heartbreaking but i was breathing and that's all that matters right?