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When i was in year nine i had finally realised i was different that i wasn't who i had been perceived to believe. But it wasn't exactly who i thought i was really, who i am today. I had realised i had no sexual attraction to men so i assumed that i must be asexual (definition: No sexual attraction to both genders, however this does not mean they never have a relationship.) So i had toyed with the idea that i must be asexual, it made sense i didn't have an attraction to boys and i didn't really consider whether or not i did with girls, because the full idea of kissing a girl still creeped me out, because i had never seen it done, only men on Torchwood and Hollyoaks, even i found that kind of strange, mainly because when i watched it with my parents they seemed grosses out by it, like a massive pimple on your forehead.

Year nine was a pretty difficult year for me, so i didn't really tell anyone of this label of asexuality, because in about May time of that year i had told my friend Becca about how when i was little i was a victim to a sexual assault on a number of occasions and well maybe the reason why i felt like i had to label myself as asexual was due to fact i hadn't exactly had a great encounter with men. The story goes a bit like this when i was seven years old i live near a park and as a rebellious child i used to go where my parents told me not to and well i lost my virginity to a 30 year old bloke pretty much. Up until about year 10 i believed this was the reason i had even begun to question my sexuality due to such a traumatic experience. Unfortunately when i told Becca she told pretty much everyone (well it felt like it) when i told her she told her mam, who ended up telling the school, who told social services, who told my mam and dad, who told the police. So in about half an hour (the day after i told Becca) Police were round my house. I don't really remember much after that, i went into serious depression, self harming on my legs and wrists, this wasn't the first time however i started cutting myself before i knew people actually did this when they were really down , the first time i put a razor to my skin was when i was nine years old. I was also sleeping all the time, was off school for a while and basically relived the events of my childhood as i was sleeping all the time. My dad slept with me every night to make sure i was ok. The thing that really got me back into school was that we adopted a dog named Sky from a rescue centre she got me out and about first to the shelter, then to the beach and eventually i got back into school.

At that time however i went through a lot of self blame and became very anxious when i went outside i didn't want to leave the house, i was petrified of who could be there. (I just want to say to anyone who has been victim to a sexual assault speak out, yes it was traumatic for me but it was mainly because i left it for so long and nothing could be done, no evidence and my story has been blurred, so please speak up soon.)

After almost a year of recovery i went back to the questioning of myself as asexual, due to a lot of trauma i kind of held my feelings for others and focused on becoming better. My friend Mollie in September 2013 (please to whoever is questioning their sexuality don't begin to label yourself it causes more harm then good.) She had attended Gay Pride with Emily and a girl named Natalie and Natalie's girlfriend Lucy at the time and i knew she must be ok with the full asexual thing otherwise she wouldn't have attended gay pride. (right?) so that night we began talking about the usual crap Hey, how are you, wuu2. And she told me how she went to Gay Pride and she really enjoyed it this was my chance to tell her, i said to her i wish i went and she apologised for not inviting me but Natalie invited her and she found it rude to ask regarding i didn't even know Natalie at this time. I understood of course. I told her i really needed to speak to her regarding Gay Pride and she told me ok i will listen. So i basically just said well for the past year i have been thinking that i am asexual. She was extremely understanding and told me of how she was questioning her sexuality herself and she thought she was bisexual. (luckily due to my 15 year old friend i knew what this meant.) Turns out she isn't but at least she knew how it felt to question who you were.

A few days after i told Mollie i told my mam, i don't really consider this as coming out because it wasn't like i said hey im definitely asexual at first she thought i was talking about asexual reproduction , please don't search that it's weird and she told me that she feels the same, she doesn't really get sexually attracted to someone and that was that. I think now though my mam has forgotten about this chat because i did it in such an informal way and i have told her some pretty deep things since.

I don't consider this as coming out as it didn't feel like that at all, i have my coming out story and this is not it. But now i had told my mam and Mollie i felt kind of good, however i thought my questioning about myself was over, but this was just the start to many many labels attached to who i love and what i believed my sexuality was.