Last man I dated told me I knew him too well and it wouldn't work ! I was questioned on why I knew so much yet was still praised afterwards for paying attention to detail ! He loved the stars so I bought him his own and in his horoscope constellation! , he had muscle problems so I payed for spa therapy , I was asked if I was just stalking and studying. , but if you truly love someone you learn everything about themself they don't even see right ? ! I forced myself to be someone that seen everything in someone without seeing things I should've seen in myself ! I could've bought my own star , in the same horoscope constellation knowing my obsession with the stars yet I did it for someone just so they can feel no matter where they are , and no matter when In life , they could just look up and they are forever in the sky, they are forever named and made apart of life ! Yet I was treated like it meant nothing. He was facing almost 20 years in jail and just for a short amount of time I felt like well if he will be sitting behind the walls of law in the next couple months well maybe I can give him some kind of piece, whenever he happened to see the outside world at night he would know that somewhere in the huge world of stars we are blessed with time he has somewhere , something that will forever bound his name with our world. Even being a parent and having children wouldn't and couldn't mean as much and I say this as a mother , I've birthed children's and someday unfortunately my children will succumb to the end of life my legacy can not or may not live on but to be named in the stars is forever ! The name would hold a place for generations who will forever look up the stars and planets and what they are. Brian's point of view didn't see it how I did unfortunately , no matter how hard I tried ! But did I try ? Is something I ask myself , the one thing that's stands out to me through any of the ending of relations was I was told I never showed how I felt and they didn't ever understand my perspective of things. Honestly I think I still don't understand how to show how I truly feel. I also don't don't how to express it . I'm Pushing my 30s and the only relationships I would consider serious are the 2 men I've have children by. My first is the father of my oldest . I'm a grown woman and when I look back I don't remember or understand the interest or bond I was so tied to , I don't understand what made me leave my life and family for. I will never say I regret having my child even though I was only 17 when I gave birth, I have a child that grew up with me. And a lot of people can't understand that but there is a mass amount of people who do! My mother had me at the same age I had my first child , yet I always told myself I wouldn't follow on her path , perfect grades, great opportunities and I chose to leave the lifei should've walked. I knew because something in me felt like I had to escape ! As a young teen I felt trapped in my own home , mommy was working everyday and was never really home and when she was, it was never really her was it ? Of course not she had already drowned her day on alcohol and probably felt like we didn't exist! Jesse was my younger sister , we would be each others bestrifend locked in our rooms with endless coversation to pass the time , yet still waiting for our names to be yelled. Not to be called for something purposeful but to be called and yelled at for to go grab another beer from the fridge , we lived in a community with nothing but kids and even our own blood cousins right across the street ,yet going outside was a privilege we could pray for ! I remember having my best friend living in I'd like to call a circle around me , but that's just the way the houses were mapped out . I'd only ever really see my friends on the way to school , during the day and on the way back, god forbid anyone ever asked me to make plans or if a friend knocked at the door asking if we could play outside. I never understood why we could barely ever get to go out. We were always told it's a scary world , and we had to be kept safe. But after the years went by it felt like being a prisoner. I would have to sneak and open the kitchen window which was downstairs , and lucky me because my parents would be getting drunk upstairs. I would open a window about 3-4 inches so it wouldn't affect the temperature inside the house and having whispered conversations with my friends . All the while paying close attention to if our parents came out their room. You know you grow and are told a 2 parent household is best ? While I do not disagree I will admit growing up with parents who should not be together is not in any form BETTER ! You grow up seeing love in a way that shouldn't be taught ! Pushing my 30s and I do not know how to show affection. For years my parents blamed us for their fights and why things weren't working. On top of just the faiked relationship they were forcing to prove they can raise kids. No child should be forcibly trained to feel that how their parents displayed love is normal. I be ended relationships tk then be told my problem was that I don't show affection nor do I express myself . Yet for so long I felt like j just don't wanna hurt someone's feelings even though mine were taken way past that point. I was raised to take the pain because MAYBE just maybe things would change ! For years I was looked down at because I had left the father of my oldest child, I kept being told you can not leave that man because you have his child,yet I was being cheated on and manipulated so horribly I had to escape, the same person I ran away from my family for I was being told I could not leave because I had given Him a child. The bravery it took me to swallow my fear was indescribable! I could explain the fear I have of my father but that's is for a later chapter, he truly made me feel like I had to be with this man .I'm grateful for the courage I had to tell him I would not stay with a man because I had his child , I deserved better and I knew that was not debatable ! Told that having another man's kid I would never be wanted was t something I let bother me ! I would rather be at peace than be stuck in something similar to what I was raised in ! I prayed for my parents divorce and though that may not seem right in alot of peoples eyes I could not repeat the pattern I've grown to be taught. Why can't I express how I feel ? Well it's because I've grown to learn I'm scared ! I fear disappointment . I fear being vulnerable, I fear being seen to the lint I'm actually understood . I've grown up around men that have done things to women that have pushed me to ever really trusting a man . So in my eyes nothing is serious to me I've become so cold hearted it scares me ! Your in for a ride you wouldn't understand and maybe you should stop now , but why not come on this fucked up ride with me ? You won't believe what you read !
