Hopeless Love

You Are the Reason

Chapter Twenty-Eight

"If I could turn back the clock
I'd make sure that I defeated the dark
I'd spend every hour of every day
Keeping you safe
...You are the reason."
You are the Reason, Calum Scott & Leona Lewis

Daniel began, "The only time I brought Ashley to Augusta was when we first got married. She wanted to walk in the park and it's the last place I wanted to be; everything reminded me of you there," he admitted.

"When we passed by the swings, I caught a glimpse of you sitting there crying. I wanted to go over and comfort you, I hadn't seen you in so long. When you saw Ashley and me, you looked at me with such hurt in your eyes I thought I wouldn't be able to go on."

Cordelia sighed, "That's the first time I had seen you since I married Gregory," tears started to trickle down her face, "I want to be totally honest with you, Daniel—about everything. Please just don't think differently of me after I tell you...it's just," she stammered, "I couldn't imagine living my life without you," she said without elaborating.

"Delia, what do you mean?" He asked.

She took a breath to continue, "It's so hard for me to talk about, to admit. Gregory and I had gotten into a huge fight that day because I had caught him with another woman...in our living room, no less. I had just given birth to Ashtyn a month prior and was very self-conscious of my image and was suffering from Post-Partum Depression, although I didn't know that's what it was at the time. Gregory told me that if I would have kept up my appearance then he wouldn't have had to cheat."

Daniel rubbed his thumb and index fingers over his eyes in aggravation before reaching down and giving her hands a squeeze.

She continued, "I tried to defend myself, but it was no use with him. I remember going back to my room and sitting on the floor in front of the door in hopes that Gregory wouldn't be able to open it. Ashtyn started to cry in her room and Gregory was banging on the door and I just snapped. I had destroyed practically everything in the room before I finally got control of myself. By that time, I was such a mess that when I looked in the mirror, the person staring back scared me. I had turned into one of them-the Buchanan's. I felt so numb, I couldn't think about anyone or anything but myself. Every single bad thing that had ever happened to me was being repeated in my head and I just couldn't handle it...I had it all planned out."

Daniel looked at her confused, "Had what planned out, Del?"

She lowered her head in shame, "My death...I had planned how I was going to kill myself," she felt her face grow red at her admittance. She had never told another living soul that and was so embarrassed at the selfishness that depression had made her feel. "I was holding a handful of pills and a glass of water when I heard Declan come to the door. He was only about six-years-old, but he was so smart, Daniel. I thought about not opening the door. I hate to say that, I really do, but it's the truth. He put his little head down to the carpet and was staring at me from under the door. He asked why mommy was so upset and I just couldn't go through with it. I opened the door and we sat in the floor and he let me hold him while I cried and he wiped my tears with my hair, like I always did to him," her voice grew softer, "The reason I was in the park that day was to put a goodbye note to you in our spot."

Daniel was stunned at Cordelia's confession. He knew that her life had been hard with the Buchanan's and he, of all people, knew the state of her mind when she was having a bout of depression...but he hadn't expected what she had told him, "Oh Cordelia, I am so sorry. I had no idea," he scooted closer to her in the bed.

Cordelia raised a hand to silence him, "Stop, Daniel. I didn't tell you that to make you feel sorry for me. It's just funny, you know, how back then I didn't want to go on living. Now, when it's possible that I could die, I want to live so badly. You and the children are what has kept me holding on this whole time."

Daniel was silent for a moment. What could he possibly say that told her how he was feeling? "I love you, Delia," was all that he could think to say. "I should have been there. I should have stopped Gregory from abusing you. He didn't appreciate what a beautiful and smart woman he was married to and it cost us so many years together."

"I'm with you now," she said and smiled wearily because frankly, she was exhausted from talking about the subject. "If it's my time to go then at least I will die knowing you love me, and I was yours for a brief time again. For years, I pretended you were next to me, protecting me from harm; now I don't have to pretend. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even at my darkest hours, you've been there—if not in body, then in spirit," her eyes lit up, "I know I am nothing without you and our kids, Daniel. But if these treatments don't work," her voice cracked, "then you have to promise me that you'll move on and be happy."

"I'm not sure I can do that, Delia. Like you said before, any other person just isn't you. I look at you and I see my whole world. No one else can make me feel the way you do," he replied and pulled her close.

That night, the two fell asleep in each other's arms, much like they did on so many nights before. Daniel woke up in the middle of the night when he felt Delia move and heard her let out a small cry of pain. He started to ask if she was okay, but he saw that she was still asleep. The shoulder of his shirt, where her head had rested, was wet and Daniel thought that she must have been crying after he fell asleep. He looked down and his breath caught in his throat as he realized he couldn't love her anymore than he did in that exact moment. He made sure her oxygen tube was secure in her nose and pulled the blanket over her in hopes that she felt safe.