What if?

Chapter One

I feel as though everyone has had one of those what if moments. Like what if I wore this instead of that. Or what if I never went out that Friday night. Mine is what if I hadn't fallen in love with him.

October 14, 2022. My life changed forever. It was my second year of high school life was going absolutely amazing. My parents were still together, I had the most perfect friend group ever, and the best boyfriend. Cash and I had been together since 5th grade. I know we were so young, but we grew up together because before Cash's dad died in 2nd grade. His dad and my dad used to work together. I remember Cash's dad dying like it was yesterday. He had served depression, and one-night Cash's mom came home after work to see her husband with a gunshot wound to his head. Luckly Cash had been spending the night at his best friend Sawyers house. Cash doesn't talk about it very much. But after his dad passed our families became incredibly close and my dad stepped up to take the role of Cash's dad. I think cash and I both are so grateful for having such an amazing father. Maybe if my parents had stayed together Cash would still be here. But who knows. On October 14,2022 at 8:30 pm. I had opened Cash's bedroom door because he had asked me to come over and watch a movie with him. Thats when I found him. My Cash, his lifeless body hanging from his closet. I don't remember much from that night because I choose not to.

The worst part of it all, he didn't leave a note. But he wanted me to find him. What if I had seen the signs. What if I could've helped him? But I was too focused on my parents' divorce and my dad moving out. I forgot about my boyfriend. I wish I could've helped him. Because, that night felt like someone ripped a piece of my heart out and will never ever give it back. Sometimes I hope that this is just a bad dream and ill wake up tomorrow and be able to touch him again.

That was two years ago. I'm now a senior. Sometimes I still shut down when someone brings up his name or I see the memorial, they put up for him in the gym. After a while though it almost got normal to not see him every day. I have a great friend group now; Carsen who has been my best friend since freshman year, and she was there for me after Cash died. I truly don't know what would have happened if I didn't have her by my side. Sawyer and I became super close after Cash died also. Besides me Sawyer was Cash's closeted friend. And Sawyer has a best friend named Felix. We all hangout all the time. Unless we have sports or something else. Ever since Cash passed, I started wrestling for the school. Growing up Cash's favorite things in the world were me, his dad, and wrestling. Sometimes I think he liked wrestling more than both of us. So now I do it because I feel like it brings me closer to him. Sawyer and Felix wrestle also but, Carsen doesn't play anything but volleyball.

I'm sitting in the courtyard of the school reading my book when someone sits down next to me. "Hey Cam." Sawyer says. "Hey." I say not removing my eyes from the book. "Wacha reading?" He asks, but before I can even respond he grabs it out of my hand. "If he had been with me." He reads out loud. "Sad." He adds, I look up at him and take the book back. He has a huge smile on his face. I've always loved Sawyers smile. It's probably his best feature besides his bright blue eyes. Or his fluffy brown hair. "It's about this girl who's in love with her childhood best friend but she has a boyfriend because she doesn't think her best friend feels the same, but he does. And it's so obviously." I say and Sawyer grabs a piece of my hair and tucks it behind my ear, sending goosebumps down my body. "Your eyes are so beautiful Cam." He says with his hand now resting on my ear. "I could get lost in them forever." He adds. I shake his hand off. "I'm sorry," I say. "I talk so much." "Well, good thing I could listen to you for hours." He says and I cannot help but smile this time. "Want to come over to my house after practice and watch a movie?" He says and I look away from him to think about it. I know why he's asking me to come over. Tomorrow would be Cash's eighteenth birthday. "You can pick the movie." He adds. I can still feel his eyes looking at me as I decide. "I have to shower." I speak. "You can shower at my house." He says with a smirk. "Okay fine, let me text my mom." I pull out my phone and go into the text messages app and text my mom. "We're going to have so much fun." Sawyer says winking at me. I nudge him in the arm. "Meanie." He says pouting his bottom lip out. My phone dings and it's a text from my mom saying "Yes, what time will you be home unless you're spending the night?" "Could I spend the night?" I ask Sawyer. "Yeah." I text my mom that I'm spending the night, and she sends me a thumbs up back.

After practice Sawyer follows me back to my house to grab a few things. He comes inside with me. He sits on my bed as I get a bag together. "I love your room so much." he says after a while of silence. "Yeah?" I say looking at my room. "Cute giraffe." he says, and we both look at the glass giraffe on my dresser. "Cash gave that to me on our first date." I say and it comes out so naturally. "Oh." he says, and the mood immediately changes. "Wanna match tomorrow?" I ask changing the topic and holding up my grey Nike hoodie. "Yeah sure." Sawyer says. "Jeans or sweats?" I ask. "Your ass looks good in sweats, so I say sweats." he says, and I scoff throwing my hoodie at him.

We make it back to Sawyers house. I set my stuff in his room and then we go downstairs. He makes us two bowls of cereal. We both are cutting weight right now, so this is my first meal of the day. We eat in silence which is kind of nice. I like that me and Sawyer can sit in silence together. We both finish and he washes the dishes as I get ready for my shower. Before I get into the shower, I wait for him to come upstairs. "Will you shower with me?" I ask him before he sits down. "Are you sure?" he asks, and I shake my head. "I don't want to be alone." I speak. he gets up and comes over to me. He tucks my hair behind my ear. "Okay." he says kissing my forehead. Sawyer and I are just friends, but I know we both wish we could be more. But I feel like I'd be betraying Cash. Even though I think he would be proud of us more than anything. When we get into the bathroom Sawyer turns the shower on and we wait for it to heat up. He inches close to me and takes his hand to my shirt pulling it over my head. "I miss him too." he says. I look him in the eyes. "Thank you." I say as he is taking his shit off revealing his tan skin and his six pack of abs. I've seen him shirtless many times before, but I still get butterflies when I look at his bare skin. "Of course, Cam."