Sweet Hereafter

March 11, 2023

Hi!

So the last few days haven't really been too eventful. It's just been a repetition of me getting up, studying, doing whatever, studying again and then going to bed. I don't think that is necessarily bad, but I for sure would appreciate a bit of variety. My exam's on Monday and I think I've studied what I think is necessary. Now whether the professors at uni will think along similar lines is a whole 'nother tale, and honestly one that I do not really need to or can focus on. In the words of the Nichomachean Ethics, I'd have to take some wrong decisions to become aware of what I truly need to do. I feel like I'm so scared of failure, or at least not doing well enough that I'm barely even  willing to take risks these days. I wish I could journey back to my previous self - back when I was a lot more adventurous. 

Anyway, we had an electrician look into why our taps and water supply was shocking us, but it really does seem like the problem seems to originate from outside our flat. Well, that's abit of a bummer, since that means we cannot readily do anything about it yet, but that doesn't make the situation any less scary. THEN we had to have to have our sattelite TV thingy looked into since we were losing signals frequently and as it happens, it's the same problem that happened a couple of years back. It's fixed now, so I suppose that's what matters. Honestly, I miss watching TV these days. I just have so much to do that when I do get some free time, I'm either playing a game or listening to music. And even then, it's like numbing myself because it's very difficult to shake off the dread of looming anxiety. I hide it a lot so as to not make my parents worry too much, but I think that has been overall pretty detrimental for me. I wish I could worry a little less, and sometimes it does feel like I'm succesful in doing so - but in the end it's only a relapse before it gets more intense. And it's not necessarily just about exams. If anything, I wish I could go back to the days when I only had exams to worry about.

Sometimes I'm anxious about things I have absolutely NO control over....

But I know my mother can at least tell I'm hiding and keeping it all in. She's tried talking to me about this, but honestly I just can't shake out of it. 

In other news, it's pretty overcast here today. I wonder if it'll rain soon. But I suppose I should perk up at the fact that I'm going to have paneer today. So yayyy!

[16:54]

I'm vibing to Perfect right now. 

I guess there isn't much more to talk about. There's a lot that irk me presently, but I'd rather not dwell on them right now. 

I think this song is super chill. At least, I thought so when I was listening to it over and over again at 2am! I do not own the music, or the video.

How was your day?