my friends dragged me out of my apartment to come meet up at this guys house, i've never met him before but everyone seems to love him, even tate, my best friend. which for him is surprising. tate doesn't like many people but everyone seems to think this guy is alright and all my friends complain the i was too much of a goodie two shoes in highschool, which, to be fair isnt not the truth. i never snuck out, smoked pot, hit a vape, drank, any of it. i don't know why i just didn't. so now that i'm on college tate wants me to "be adventurous"
we are walking single file through the darkness of the alley way between two apartment buildings. quiet so we don't wake anyone up and we get the the front and buzz the intercom "yo what's up it's tate i'm hear with the guys", i hear someone's voice on the other end and the door buzzes letting us in. we walk up 3 flights of stairs to apartment 34A. Jeremy knocks on the door and all i hear is "come in!". Jeremy opens the white door and i take in the grey walls with band poster and pictures of kids our age. the smell of pot and cigarette smoke fills the room but i don't mind. the floor is a beige carpet and left of the door i spot 3 pairs of DC's and a true religion jacket hung on the wall. everyone makes there way down the narrow hallway to and opening with 3 beige couches, a floor to ceiling window, the same beige carpet and grey walls. i look over at one of the couches and see who i'm assuming is levi? everyone gives him a fist bump and i just kind of stand there looking at him. his sharp jawline, his dark brown eyes with a honey coloured center, velvet looking lips and veins running down his forearm and onto his thin fingers. someone snaps and i realize that i've just been standing there looking and him and haven't even introduced myself. "hi...i i'm Brayden it's nice to meet you" he smirks at me and i think i might just collapse into the carpet "you to Brayden" he responds his voice deep. i kind of awkwardly sit in a chair in the corner. "yo we should play this new game my friends bought me" tate suggested. so he put the dvd into the playstation and everyone grabbed a controller except for me, i'm horrible at video games and don't want to slow down the group. they all start playing but none of them can spell the fucking words. "FUCK DUDE" Levi yells " CHILL DUDE" tate rebuttals. Levi slides the dvd out of the game console "anyone wanna toke?" he asked all 5 of my friends nodded there heads but i just sat there perfectly still hoping that if i stay still enough then i will just disappear. Levi leaves the room and tate nudges me and whispers "pretty cool right?" i just give him a slight nod because i don't know what he wants from me. tate knows my look and he grabs my shoulder "hey man your all good, your here your safe". tate is pretty good about dealing with my derealization but it doesn't always work, if i'm to far gone you know. levi comes back with 3 bongs. the first pink with swirls and a heart shaped bowl, the second a deep green with a white mouth piece and the third is translucent with a holographic sheen. tate grabs a 50 bag out of his back pack and everyone sits in a circle. i'm still sitting on the couch trying to disappear when i feel someone staring at me. i look over, Levi is staring at me and when he sees i'm looking he goes back to packing his bowl. "bray you wanna toke?" tare asks, i shake my head "come on mannn" tate begs
"dude let him chill" Levi tells him.
one everyone is done toking "i'm going to bed" Levi announces while lifting his arm to scratch his head, showing his defined stomach only slightly. "duuude we're totally fucked you should let us crashhh" tate slurs. "sure but don't fuck anything up" Levi warns. i must have come off like some annoying little bitch and i'm so mad at myself. i don't know why i'm always getting mad at myself i just am.
everyone is asleep. i'm sitting here, on the couch, still trying to disappear. i feel tears start to form in my eyes. why can i just be fucking normal? why do i have to embarrass and annoy everyone i'm around ABSOLUTELY FUCKING EVERYONE. i start crying, i get up to go find a washroom and accidentally open the wrong door. i see Levi sitting on his phone with his hand on his head and his legs crossed. he looks up and i close the door at the same time. i've never even had a conversation with this very very attractive man and now he's seen me crying. i go back to the couch so i can pretend i was asleep but before i can i feel a hand grip my wrist. i turn around and it's Levi. "you ok man?" he asks, "ya i uh i'm fine" i try to pull away but he tightens his grip. "come on man tell me what's wrong, i know we don't know each other very well but i still give a shit." he states "i..ju.u..i'm just so done" im sobbing at this point and he grabs my waist and brings me in for a hug. i've just now noticed that he's like a foot taller than me. i hug him back, he pulls away "come here" he leads me back down the hallway and into his room. "sit, anywhere you want i don't care" i notice that his room is very tidy, band posters clutter the walls he has a black duvet and a tv in the corner, sky lights above his bed. "wait actually com here" he grabs my hand again and walks me to his bed " lay down" i comply because i'm currently scared for my life "look at the stars" he says and lays on the bed too, now my feet are by his head and vice versa. "dude i love the stars so
much, they remind me of the fact that we aren't really all that important but yet so important to the universe at the same time" he admits "i love that" i reply, a short awnser but it's better than saying nothing at all. "so Brayden, what's your story?" he asks, i hesitate "I've been best friends with Tate for as long as i can remember, he was there for me, when i'd get the shit beat out of me, when my dad got mad at me, when i came out to my mom, when i moved to get away from them. he's just always been there.". "Tates a good guy, but i want to know about YOUR story not you and tates story." "uhh.. oh..ok i was a huge loser in high school, still am, but at least i got good grades, dad was violent, mom was scared. i don't know i'm not super interesting." i say "keep going" Levi says "i came out last year and my parents wanted me to leave, i'm majoring in literature, i want to be a poet but i'll probably end up at a 9-5, i was a huge goodie two shoes in high school and tate wants me to change that so he brought me here" i'm tugging at the thigh of my grey sweat pants when Levi says "wait are you gay?" i'm debating on running but instead i awnser "i uh ya i am im sorry" he respond with "why are you saying sorry?","i don't know" i admit " i guess i've just never had a positive reaction to it from someone in my life" . we sit in silence for a bit until Levi says "i'm sorry Brayden, i remember coming out but no one really cared that much, not in a bad way they just kind of expected it" i sit there in shock, maybe i have a chance. scratch that, i wear sweatpants and the same stained black hoodie all the time with my stupid fucking glasses, no way a guy like Levi would even think that. we talk for a bit longer, i eventually fall asleep, still staring at the stars.
