King of the Sea (Violent Delights Book 3)

Chapter 14: "And all the gods go with you! upon your sword sit laurel victory!"

"Our parents have coerced me to talk with you. Because for whatever reason they've decided that I'm some sort of expert in keeping secrets," Ned says, with disgust, his secret child asleep in his arms as he stands holding the hand of his secret mistress, in the castle he secretly keeps them at.
I'm back at Clarendon. Ned leaves soon again for France, and I was pleased to come down and visit him here. The only other guest he's ever admitted to Clarendon is our father, and that was now years ago when the child was a baby. Roger, a fine little boy the very image of his famous father, with thick black curls and deep skin, wide set soft black eyes, and dimples on both cheeks when he smiles. So obviously his father's bastard, none of his mother's milky pale skin nor blue eyes. Ned swears the child's skin and hair and eyes will lighten in time. Adele and I don't know where he gets off thinking that's how it works, but we can't correct him. We know he wants to preserve the boy's anonymity as long as possible.
"I'm fine Ned, you can say we've had a chat and I'll say the same," I say, sprawled on the rug by the fire, protecting a cup of wine from one of the dogs.
"That was my preface—I'm not saying I'm good at this. But I am offering my help. You're to be married to Blanche of Lancaster," Ned sighs.
"And what of it?" I ask.
"I'm well aware you still have— entanglements—"
"Affairs," I say.
"Affairs then. It's an insult to your wife," Ned says.
"Blanche has known for sometime of my relationships. We discussed it at length before the engagement. I'm a powerful husband, and she's wealthy. And we get on. And she's relieved if anything I have a wealth of entertainments. My preferred circle will remain in her household," I say. Blanche is younger than I and her father does not want the wedding till she's seventeen. My father agreed of course. I was eager for the match as it's the most advantageous in England.
"John," Ned sighs, "Everyone will know."
"That is the idea. Or they know enough to talk. Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors. But if they talk. Then they talk of me being a whore. I'm content to be a whore. As I told mother it's the least dangerous of what I am let everyone fixate on that," I say, watching the firelight reflect on my fingers.
Adele tugs Ned's hand a little, shrugging, he shakes his head.
"You don't have to worry about me you know," I say.
"I know I don't have to. I do like to. I'll try to be home for the wedding," Ned says, kissing his son's hair as the baby sleeps in his arms, dark lashes soft on the child's smooth skin.
"It'll be simple I don't want to spend a lot of money," I say.
"There's more to life than money John."
"Is there though?" I ask.
Adele laughs.
"Stop, we've a moratorium on finding him amusing," Ned says, but he's smiling as he sways a bit, an expert with the child in his arms now.
"You can set him down. I'm sure he's out," Adele says.
"He'll wake up immediately to play with his uncle then he'll be up for hours," Ned predicts. He stops swaying and sure enough the child stirs a bit, smashing his face into his strong father's chest.
"He likes the dark, I have to take him for a walk in the halls to get him to sleep usually, he likes to look at the moon, don't you Roger?" She asks, tipping her head.
The shy child puts his face into his father's tunic, a fist to his mouth.
"Still not talking to me?" I ask, playfully. I've never heard the child speak.
"He's shy that's all. Got a lovely voice," Ned says, looking down at the baby in his arms.
"He does, but he's very quiet," Adele says, looking at her child and its father with obvious affection.
"Comes by that naturally. His father used to climb up an entire floor, sneak into our sisters' room, wake her and Kent's Joan to go riding middle of the night," I say.
"Oh, so that is where he gets it," Adele asks, amused.
"Who told you about that?" Ned asks amused.
"My Kat, she was rocking our Maggie and saw you at it, it was in reference to me summoning her claiming my sister was ill, except I really needed to tell her something I'd read. And her point was that you'd gotten up to the room with no trouble, my winning argument was my way we had the excuse for having her and we had cups of wine," I say. 
"Kent's Joan grew up with us, our Maggie's our sister, his Kat is one of the Roet sisters they are the daughters of one of our mother's knights, they've always been in our sister's households in some fashion," Ned says, hand on Adele's neck.
"I did almost follow that one, yes," she says.
"My Kat is always my Kat," I say, stretching lazily, "She's not going to find a new home for me. She wouldn't dare I'd look pathetic."
"Do you really want to get married, John?" Ned asks, carefully coming to sit next to Adele without waking their son in his arms, "I know—I mean I know it's political but—do you want to do it?"
"Someone has to give mother legitimate grandchildren," I say.
"You don't have to do that," Ned says.
"You're giving father the illegitimate ones to play with it's even," I say, smiling.
"John. You know what I mean. It's not—look you're fifteen. Don't do something you'll regret the rest of you life just because you think it's what you have to do. You don't have to do anything. And we only have one life. There's no point in spending it how other people tell you," Ned says.
"I know this is what you want. And I'm happy for you. But I don't want something like this. I know your secrets set you free. It's not like that for me. Believe me when I say I'm doing what I must," I say. I'm not going to make anyone my secret. If world can't handle me then it should probably stay out of my way.
"I only know half what that life is, and I know I don't want it. I know I couldn't face the crowds as they judged these two, and not me. This is my life and I'm glad of it but Adele and Roger are the ones who would suffer for the freedom. Either way we're still their prince, we don't feel it, they do," Ned says.
"I think you feel everything for everyone. That's why you find it so painful. I feel nothing, half the time even for myself. So I don't care. I have to have the power. It's all a game to me that's my entertainment. And making the move of showing them some part of me, they'll take what they want to see anyway. And by giving it to them I control it. Once I control their perceptions I can shape it. Let them worry about what my right hand is doing. They shall not look at the left. Rest assured, brother, anything I do, is intentional, and anything that happens, is by my design," I say, tipping my face to look into the fire, "I'll win in the end. You can be sure of it."
"I don't care about winning or losing. I want you to be happy," Ned says, "I don't want you to look back and see the people you really cared about were destroyed along the way. I say it because that is my fear—I cannot—I can't have that happen. Not to them. The people in this room, of course our parents and siblings, they are the ones who really matter. Not the rest. No crowns, nothing."
"You go to war because you enjoy your games there," I say.
"It's what I do well," Ned says, "It's the first place I felt real."
"And my war, and therefore my peace, is within the games of my own design. Trust I will play them well. Just as I trust you to come home to us," I say.
Ned sighs, leaning back a bit. He looks at Adele for help.
"What about this girl—Kat you said? She's the one you speak of the most, she's special isn't she?" Adele asks, kindly.
"I've found the only cure for living and it's somewhere in her smile," I say, laying an arm across my eyes to properly envision it.
"What would you do if because of—I don't pretend to know the analogies you're making for what it is you're doing—because of all this you lost her?" Ned asks.
"I don't lose," I say, "Trust that I'm having the life I want. I refuse to waste it on anything less than perfection."
They accept that for the present. The baby wakes up and sobs a bit, clinging to Ned. Eventually Adele takes him to go to sleep, and Ned and I walk outside to find one of the dogs, but mostly to talk. We're content to walk through the empty halls, in the company of only shadows, and the ages past.
"Come with us on campaign. Forget the marriage. Come grow up a bit at war, you'll be a new man when you return, it could all be different," Ned offers.
"That isn't me," I say, shaking my head, "You've taught me well. But that isn't what I long for. I'll go another time perhaps."
He nods in acceptance.
"This is the life I want. That is what you taught me to take. You wouldn't want me to be you," I say.
"Yes but I fear the extent to which you're yourself. You scare us all, John," Ned sighs.
I smile.
"If you will not take my counsel, take this," Ned says.
I raise an eyebrow.
"If you're lost, I'm here to help you. I'm not sure if I can always when I can't help myself. But," Ned nods, "It's a mess out there."
"So I'm more of one. We're surviving it in our own ways. And we both meant to enjoy it," I say, tipping my head back towards his quarters.
"Yes," he nods, "Again I'm not saying I have it all figured out. But I'll help you figure it out."
"If you—should not return," I begin.
He dips his head in acknowledgement.
"Kidnapped, we lose you in the middle of France again. What have you, I'll care for Adele and the baby of course. But what do you wish done?" I ask, "I presume not court?"
"Remain here. If I am to not return then the plan has long been to have my smith, marry Adele. He's no wife and does not wish one."
"That's why you named him Roger," I say, softly.
"Not Edward. No, at the end if I'm not return—,"
"I'll give him a healthy pension to support her," I say, "And if she wishes she may come and serve my wife or something of that kind."
"Thank you," he nods.
"It's what we do," I say, taking his arm, "We win. We come home again. We do not lose."
Ned nods, looking at the shadows.
"What are you thinking?"
"I can't lose anymore. I want to see him grow up. I've never felt that before, I need to see him grow up," Ned says, "You'll understand when you have a child."
"Hm may be soon. Pippa may be pregnant," I say, idly.
"John!"
"What?" I ask, "Bound to happen eh? We're not sure yet. If so it's early and she can marry."
"Ever practical," Ned says.
"Stoic I prefer. I've got ten plans for anything. You know this about me," I say.
"Yes, I do. I just—I know I'm terrified of ruining them," he says, looking back at the light coming from the occupied end of the hall. We're standing in shadows. "We didn't choose this but we manage it. They didn't ask for any of it."
"She loves you," I say.
"The world can do a lot to love."
"I'll tell you what Kat told me the other night. 'I know you'd move the world for me, but you would you put down the wine and stop talking for two minutes?'," I ask.
He grins.
"They're strong too. And they know we'll move the world if need be," I say.
"What was the context can I—,"
"I had been drinking since the sun came up and telling her my ten year plan for taxation and exportation of Lancaster and she'd been trying to work in that they thought Pippa might be pregnant," I say.
Ned nods, "You started talking about that didn't you?"
"That I did. Changed course immediately didn't have to be quiet two minutes."
"I'm happy for you," he says.
"No, you're not."
"I'm happy you're happy. I don't have to understand it."
"Good because no one will," I say, looking at the shadows, "Go to bed. I'll be well."
"Aren't you going to sleep?"
"No, I'm going to go visit the ghosts of this place."
"Is that what you do when you just vanish on us?" Ned asks, amused.
I nod.
"I'll leave you to it," he says, backing away, "Sleep sometime though?"
"I'll be well," I say. I don't plan on it. It'll be my last night here. I'm well aware possibly forever. It's the end of forever tonight. By the time Ned returns and all is settled I'll likely be wed. I'll have a wife and children soon. And my own childhood is quietly ending.
I walk through the darkened halls. Quiet, ancient stone. A thousand secrets of days past. My bastard nephew's babyhood spent in these halls. And my own boyish entertainments. I wonder how many love affairs these shadows have been privy to. How many broken hearts. I wonder what my life will be by the time I'm watching my own children lose track of their childhood.
Where did it end when I never felt properly a child? I was never like the rest of them and I know it. I feel like I watched my own innocence from afar. I was simply planning and waiting, preparing to be grown. And now I am.
When was the last time I was properly a child? Running through these halls, laughing as my brothers' great dogs chased me. Sharing that first, unhesitating kiss with Kat in the golden fields.
I spin around, slowly, imagining laughing filling these quiet halls. My life shall only get richer. I'll make my own peace in the universe, reordering the stars to suit me.