Fortune cookie | Yang Jungwon

Misfortune

Seoyoon

Sometimes I wonder why I was born.
My parents told me how I was never planned and how they didn't want a child but I had ruined those plans. From a young age I had to care for myself because my parents didn't want to and we're always too busy with work. They were both doctors.
They ignored my existence, it meant I was free, but what good is being free if I'm alone. I never made friends when I was younger because I never really understood the importance of hygiene.
I would always go to school in dirty clothes with unwashed hair. I can't even say I brushed my teeth when I was younger.
My parents job was to take care of me and raise me to know these things. But they took care of everyone but me.
I knew they didn't love me and I knew they would rather I just died. But I was still only young so I didn't realise any of this. I didn't realise that I wasn't wanted in this world.

Eventually I realised that I needed to shower, wash my clothes, brush my teeth every morning and night, change my bedding, wear perfume and clean my hands regularly.
This was only after heinous bullying from other girls in my school.
At the age of 8 I realised that others didn't like me because I wasn't 'clean'. Not that I knew what that meant, so I researched it myself and did everything I could to become clean.

~

I rested my head on my desk. It was the first day back to school, and now I'm finally a Junior. It's been ages since I was bullied, and between then and now, I moved from Seoul to Gyeonggi-do.
The move was nice and I finally had a fresh start. But I was still always scared that my classmates would think that I'm unclean. So I spent ages the week before school started again. making sure that nothing would allow for anyone to call me dirty.
And it's true that no one thinks I'm dirty anymore. But I still don't have friends.
I think it's more by choice now.
I could have friends if I wanted. But I've learnt to like being alone now. I can't recall ever having a friend and I can't see why I would ever need one.
So I kept to myself.

~

Days and weeks continued in school. I'd been asked out a couple of times, but I always said no. I think a lot of girls hated me, but I'm not sure why. I was clean now, yet people were still bothered by me.
So I kept to myself.
I bothered no one, yet everyone seemed bothered by me. But I guess that's their fault for caring about my life so much.
I have no friends, but still I don't see any problem with it. And my parents still don't care about me. At least I don't think. I haven't seen them in weeks because they're 'always busy at the hospital'. But I guess I was their misfortune, so I can't blame them for not wanting to be around me.
I don't get why people want to be friends with me at school, or why I bother them, because I am a misfortune to everyone.

I have always been a misfortune to people.
That's why I keep to myself.