Words Per Feelings

twenty

I find myself lost in deep thoughts today so I asked my mind,

"what's on your mind, head?", I sip my now insipid iced latte. It's fine really. I am used to have a conversation with myself all the time.

"not much. but I am kinda curious of other people. since we seem to know our friends and beloved quite well inside out, do you want to know what I've been dwelling on?", my mind seems in a wise mode today I supposed.

"yeah, I asked you remember?", I frowned. mann, I probably should stop taking an iced latte every breakfast or I will develop caffeine immunity.

"well as a person who fancy arts and, draw, or paint or writing- we pay attention to details and all small little things that people don't seem to, or, care less, or maybe did not think of it much. so i wonder-", ha, truth. its kinda, annoying actually. Details are so.... annoying. it makes me feel insecure over every little things.

"as I was saying, I wonder does anyone else know their beloved well too? do people pay attention to details like us? I mean, we seems to be the only one who notices small changes in people. their face. their emotions. their shifted energy. their auras", I let my head try to explain.

"of course they do, big head. when they love someone, or care, or spend most times with someone- they tend to notice all those things. we are not the only one. don't get cocky now", heart seems to be emotional, but well that's what they do. they get worked up most of the time, no puns intended.

"right. so do other people know how their loved one like their coffee? the way we know abah like his coffee, cappucino with dash of caramel. he sip it slowly, with slurpy sound because he love the sweetness on the tips of his tongue before swallowing. and how mak just prefer it long black. no sugar. colombia or ethiopia beans because italian beans make her feel bloaty. and your particular friend love her coffee simple dolce iced latte no whipped cream at starbucks or with extra shot and extra pump of sugar for a particular cafe. and whos your friend that dont really drink coffee. do others know how their loved one prefer their eggs? how mak prefer telur dadar fried and a bit soggy and how abah love onions in telur dadar, not to mention the telur dadar is a bit runny not fully cooked. what's their order on drive thru? aina probably would change the drinks to iced milo. fana probably prefer it iced lemon tea. chicken mcdeluxe. thira might contemplate to order bubur or double cheese. what's their irks and pet peeves? the way your one friend hate long lines she rather eat somewhere else or be anywhere else except crowd place. the way your sister hates going out if she dont have anything to find. and probably the way your dad hate waiting or slow people. what flowers they love? and probably they prefer that small succulents plants they sometimes posted on their social media bcs not everyone love roses and daisies. or baby's breath. the way that one weird friend of yours like aloe vera and rafflesia because it is underrated.

"HAHA yeah baby's breath is so overrated anyway!", I play with my metal straw over my lips. thinking about my head's words. do people know me that well?

details can be so clear when you are attentive towards people you care. bcs well, you care about them. so you respects all those little things that makes them who they are. being with them is easy, bcs you can read and understand them like a book. and, what you tryna go from there, head?, my heart pumped steadily but somehow deep, maybe at left ventricle. it kinda stings to wonder is there anyone who notice all this things about us?

I get it and I understand. but yeah. I think people need to talk their mind more with their loved one. tell about themselves more. explore each others alter ego probably. but at the end of the days.who ca-, lost again, my head seems to be careful at uttering the words.

who cares?, i raised my eyebrows. finishing my head sentence, getting mutual agreement.

yeah. who cares anyway., the reply from my head now make me feel melancholy.

or maybe we havent found that person yet or know that they do but someone do cares. there has to be!, the stings in my heart grows as it speak. from left ventricles travels all the way to upper atrium.

"ohoo, you sure have high hopes in everything. don't you ever learn?", I stand up, ignoring my aching heart.

"trust me, I do learn. that's why I am more careful now of who I need to accept to occupy me. you said you noticed all these details on people, yet you don't know your own heart? damn sis, you have long way to go", my heart chose violence today.

"so that was all you, sulky heart?? I thought I played a role tooo? don't you realize that I am now wiser to analyze people first", my head stating a point. ah. now I get it why is it so hard for people to understand me. its because of these two buffoon head and heart.

"stopp. I thought we agree on, mutual teamwork? remember? don't ever let anyone gets the free pass anymore", I mean every words. Its either earn me or lose me.

"or maybe, its just our defense mechanism. we are still scared and scarred, in need to heal before giving a part of ourselves to the oh-significant-other", again, this 'wise mode' my head is in made me think better.

"we will take our time. no worries. lets learn about each other more. at our own pace, okay? ", I walk to my room, threw myself on the bed and close my eyes.

"mkay.", sigh my heart. now the pain is slowly leaving the atrium and ventricle, leaving it empty and hollow as usual. its ugly here, full of bandages but we are healing.

"yeah", agreeing, my head goes quiet.

"good. now wanna read books? ACOTAR or that one rom com book we saw on tiktok last night??", I grab my iPad and let myself lost again in a world full of words.