Where I Stand

The Words I Can't Bring Myself To Say

Lambert wakes up feeling refreshed and well rested, which is odd because he can count on one hand the times when he's felt that way in the past decade.

You see, sleep and Lambert have always had a bit of a complicated relationship.

Before Kaer Morhen, his childhood was a shitshow. He remembers far too many nights lying awake in bed, listening to his parents fight. The worst was when it escalated to something more than yelling, and Lambert was forced to hear the sharp sounds of a fist meeting flesh, his mother's cries of pain, sometimes shattered bottles or overturned furniture, wondering if his bastard drunk of a father would come and take his anger out on him next.

Life as a witcher wasn't much better. As a trainee Lambert was kept awake by his own traitorous mind and body. Sure, he was safe from his father now, but his body still remembered the fear. It kept him awake, alert and listening. And on the path, sleep was always a gamble. Enhanced witcher hearing made every sound within a mile radius up-close and personal, and sleeping outdoors meant you had an equal chance getting killed by a monster or angry mob as much as you did getting a decent night's rest.

However, with Aiden things were...well better wasn't really the right word for it, but they were tolerable. Lambert was still terrorized by the nightmares that come with being a witcher; the trials, the people you couldn't save, dying alone and scared, and the usual shit the world has to offer that you always seem to be digging yourself out of. There was still the fear that came from Lambert's past, the risks that came with the job.But having someone beside you, merely knowing that you weren't all on your own...well, it was nice.

Even back when things were strictly platonic, it was a comfort to know that Aiden was always watching his back (in some cases literally). When Lambert's thoughts were overwhelming he could listen to Aiden's soft snores and breathing, and occasionally the whistle of his nose, which was fucking annoying when you were trying to sleep, but actually kind of adorable otherwise.

The years that he and Aiden spent as lovers were actually some of the best years sleep-wise Lambert had ever had. Sleeping curled in each other's arms was a comfort that Lambert had never experienced before the Cat, and oh, it was good. Aiden's body was warm and solid, heavy enough to make Lambert feel grounded when the Cat stretched those lean muscles over his back or stomach. Aiden's hair was soft and fragrant from the stupidly expensive oils he liked to use, and Lambert could run his fingers through it and feels the silky curls between his fingers, use it to grip and guide Aiden in for a kiss whenever he wanted it. And on those rare nights that Lambert woke sweaty and shaking, Aiden was there with a gentle kiss and kind whispers, there to hold Lambert until everything felt okay again, or as close as it could get to that point. Aiden was safe, Aiden was home, which is why Lambert spent many days sleepless and ragged after he no longer had Aiden to turn to.

And like the regular bitch that it is, the burden of sleep has continued to plague Lambert's life every night since Aiden's supposed passing. Which is why waking up and feeling like... not shit, is as rare as Lambert waking up and finding he has diamonds for teeth.

And it's because of this rare blessing that Lambert knows what he needs to do today.

It has to be today, or else things might go badly.

The others are already at breakfast when he arrives in the great hall; Vesemir eating silently while he reads a book, Eskel and Geralt making conversation while they shovel in heaps of food between sentences, and Jaskier sitting at Geralt's side, plate abandoned as he braids slightly wilted flowers into the witcher's hair.