Hidden Feelings

Suffocation

Main yahan to nahi so paunga.

Main hoon isliye?

He had avoided her eyes as he sighed in indifference and pushed away out of her clutches. Her presence was suffocating him. He couldn't look at her face, the same face that he used to gaze upon with love and that used to give him sukoon - now, evoked none of those emotions anymore. Instead he felt the beginnings of irritation and frustration when he looked at her and at her god complex. The same woman he used to go to for advice, that same advice and her thoughts gave him no respite from the never ending annoyance. Everything she did seemed to echo with callousness, he no longer enjoyed her presence and it was suffocating him.

She could feel his body stiffen upon her proximity. His breaths shallowed whenever she was close to him. His eyes starting to fringe slightly with disappointment, irritation and was that hatred? She regretted getting in his space, but he had been her anchor and in times of distress her body naturally rushed to be by his side. But, she will have to unlearn this along with all the things he had so patiently taught her this past year. She'd have to stop herself from being near him, for now her presence didn't provide him comfort. Her words would need to be curtailed, for now he flinched at her voice as though they were daggers. The kitchen he'd promised to never leave her alone in earlier, would need to be vacated if he occupied it else he refused to eat. She would need to learn to avoid crossing his path so that he could proceed in peace. 

How much distance was needed so that he would be able to breathe?

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"Anuj mujhse dur mat jaiye - maine iss paar ko jeeliya ab main is pyaar ke bina nahi reh paungi."

It was the beginning of the end. 

She could see it coming. There was nothing she could do to stop this, the disappointment and frustration would snowball into hatred soon. She couldn't bear stay and to outright see that hatred increase in his eyes. She didn't want that to be her last memory of his eyes. It was just last week that he had looked at her with eyes brimming with love.

If her presence triggered him, the least she could do was let him be at peace. She'd failed at everything else - so she'd do this one last thing for him, and for herself. She'll remove herself from his life before she saw the hatred outright. For if she did see that, she'd break utterly and completely.

She'd been alone before. She could do this. Couldn't she?

It should be like slipping back into familiar territory. But why does it hurt more this time? Experiencing love to its extreme recently, was making her now feel like she'd died. 

If only she could have been deserving of his love. 

For one thing she'd realized, she never deserved that type of love.  Its effects would now be felt in her life like poison spreading through her veins as she recalled and relived every moment, for the rest of her life. Alone. 

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