Carry On, But Never Forget

How Can I Move On?

   "-guro. Iguro!" I heard somebody yell, my senses slowly coming back to me. I forced my eyes open and saw a blurry silhouette standing over me, though I was able to make out that it was Shinazugawa by his scent. "Kocho, he's awake!"
   "What's going on?" I managed to say, though my voice was very strained.
   "Fuck, glad to know you're actually alive. I thought we lost you, idiot." Shinazugawa scoffed as the door opened.
   "Indeed. I'm glad that you finally woke up, Iguro." A voice I recognized as Kocho said. "How do you feel?"
   "Like I'm dead." I replied, making Kocho softly laugh.
   "Yes, well, you almost were. If Shinazugawa hadn't rushed you here after that demon attacked you, you would've died."
    "Demon?"
   "Yeah, while you were bawling your eyes out you got attacked. I was barely able to save your ass." Shinazugawa sighed.
   "Why did you save me?"
   "Huh? The hell do you mean? You're my comrade, I-"
   "No, why did you save me? If you hadn't I'd-" I started, getting interrupted by tears starting to fall down my face. "I'd be with Mitsuri if you had let me die."
   "You're still on about that?"
   "Shinazugawa, you shouldn't-"
   "No, Kocho. He needs to let her go. She's fucking dead, there's zero point in still crying over it."
   "How can I not cry over it?" I yelled as loudly as I could. I forced myself to sit up, despite how much pain shot through my body and faced Shinazugawa, "Again, you don't know what I'm going through. How can you tell me not to grieve over her when you've never had to say goodbye to the one you loved?"
   I saw Shinazugawa's face drop. Kocho's, who was standing directly behind him, face dropped aswell. "I- I'm going to leave you two alone." She said, though she sounded like she was holding back tears.
    "I do know what you're going through, actually." Shinazugawa told me once Kocho had left.
   "Huh?"
   "Of course I know what it's like to lose the ones you love, asshole. Who the hell do you think you are? You think you're the only one that's lost somebody?"
   "No, of course not. But I-"
   "But nothing. All I have left is my little brother, other than him I've lost everybody. My mom, my dad, my 5 other siblings, and the woman I loved. I know damn well what it's like, but I also know how much more it hurts if you keep crying about it rather than just moving on."
   I felt my heart tighten in guilt, "Shinazugawa-"
   "I've gotta go report to Master about our mission, I'll come back later to check on you or whatever." Shinazugawa said, already heading out the door.
   I tried to get up and chase after him but couldn't, I physically could not move my legs. After a few more attempts at getting up I fell back onto the bed, gripping onto my hair as tears yet again fell down my face. "Mitsuri, what am I supposed to do? I don't think I'll be able to move forward without you." I cried, feeling Kaburamaru slowly curl up on my chest.
"Iguro?" I heard Kocho's voice call out from behind the door.
"Come in." I called back, though my voice wasn't all that loud.
It was, however, loud enough for her to hear. Kocho walked into my room seconds later, a soft smile on her face. "Do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?" I nodded and she continued over to me, sitting in the chair that Shinazugawa was in not that long ago.
"I wanted to formally say that I'm sorry about Kanroji, I never got to really say that to you when it happened. Are you holding up ok?"
"Not at all, if you couldn't tell from earlier." I started, "I feel as if my whole world is just dull now, like there's nothing keeping me here. I don't know how to live anymore."
Kocho attempted to take my hand but I quickly pulled it out of her grasp, not wanting her to touch me right now. "I understand how you feel. The woman that Shinazugawa loved? She was my sister." Kocho explained, "I felt the same way that you are now, but regardless of those feelings I kept on living. I want to avenge her and kill the demon that took her from me."
"Well unfortunately for me, the demons that killed her are already dead."
Kocho sighed, "That's true, but the man that's responsible for it happening isn't. If anything, take some time to recover, then put all of your focus into killing Kibutsuji."
"And after that?" I asked.
"Well, after that you may have a whole new life layed out for you. Some new friends, a new purpose, maybe even a new lover."
I scoffed, "Yeah, totally. Nobody's ever going to be able to have my heart like Mitsuri did."
"You like Shinazugawa though, don't you?" Kocho asked.
"What? Fuck no! Where the hell did you get that? There's no way in hell I'd ever like somebody like him!" I rambled, my face going hot. What hell was Kocho thinking? The only person I've ever liked was Mitsuri. Why would she think I liked Shinazugawa?
Kocho laughed, "Of course. Anyway, I'm going to be keeping you here for a few weeks so that I can monitor you until you're healed. If you need anything please let me know, I want to make your stay here as pleasant as possible."
   "Yeah, alright."
    "Wonderful. If you wouldn't mind taking these real quick, that's all the medicine you'll need today. Aoi will be stopping in every so often to check on you so after they're down I'll be on my way." Kocho said, handing me a couple pills and a glass of water from my nightsand.
   I slowly sat up and downed the pills, feeling ever so slightly self conscious when I realized my face covering wasn't on. Like Kocho said she would, she left once I had swallowed the pills, urging that I call for her if anything feels off. The moment she was gone I turned to my side, Kaburamaru slithering across from me as I pulled the bed's blankets over me.
For what felt like hours I just layed there and stared at the wall, only getting pulled away when Aoi came into the room. When she wasn't here my head was echoing what Kocho said. I know my only way at avenging Mitsuri is to kill Kibutsuji, but how long will that take? I'm nowhere strong enough to beat him on my own and we're already down 3 hashira spots, so is beating him even possible?
As night began to fall I ended up growing frustrated with my own thoughts, disgusted with how pathetic I sounded. The next time Aoi made her rounds I told her I was going to sleep, not wanting to deal with my head any longer. When she left I turned out the light next to my bed and layed down, turning so I was facing the window.
I stared out at the stars as memories of Mitsuri came popping into my head, a few tears managing to escape my eyes in the process. Kaburamaru pulled me out of my daze by nudging me in the neck. Knowing that he wanted me to get some rest I rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling for only a moment before sighing and closing my eyes. "Mitsuri, can I really do this?"