Sincerely, Jessie

The conversation

I hesitated when it comes to answering his phone call. I could feel the cracks of my mouth lifting in nervousness. I'm not meant for these types of interactions. I feel as if I am constantly struggling to remain normal when confronted by the depth of my own understandings. It is a complicated feeling that I am experiencing right now. I slowly inched my finger over to the red button to decline the call. I'm shaking with every fiber of my being.

The phone stopped ringing and I took a big sigh.

"Stressed huh?" He asked.

"HUH?!" I said in shame.

This does not make sense at all. I never did hit the answer button to accept the call; nor did I hit the end-button to end the call, so how did he get on this call?!

"The shaking feature." I said in annoyance.

I forgot that whenever you're shaking that it could trigger that one feature on the iphone. I enabled my phone to answer calls, take screenshots, and undo messages when the simple act of shaking the phone. After realizing what I just did, I took a deep sigh so that I could prepare myself for this conversation that I am about to have. I promise, Jessie, this means nothing compared to you. I would have not taken this phone call by choice. I prefer to only interact with things that are surrounded by you.

"Why have you not answered my question?" Matt asked in curiosity.

"I literally answered your question, Matthew." I said in annoyance.

"Well, I have another one." He said with a suspicious tone.

I have no idea what he could possibly want to talk about. It has to be something of importance. He took forever to respond, and now he's calling my phone late at night! This better be good.

"The answer that you gave me was very vague. I need to know your honest feelings." He said with a serious tone.

"Well, I feel like..." I said.

I refuse to have this conversation. It was a quick lustful moment between the both of us, and I feel as if there is no need for it to be explored. I am loyal to Jessie... I know that it seems crazy that I have not been able to be with you Jessie, but I am just taking my time. Anyways, I know that I will not participate in a conversation that could possible destroy everything that I've built for us.

"Amanda, out of all of years that I've known you, you've been quite the chatterbox. Why are you struggling with your words now?" He said impatiently.

It's like he's trying to break us up, Jessie. I refuse to allow any uncertain feelings to grow within a mind that only you belong in.

"I feel like you need to respect boundaries and not call me late at night without permission." I said in annoyance.

I saw my phone light up and realized that he hung up on me. That was the weirdest conversation that I've had with a man, ever. I am wondering, what was the point of that conversation? After such a weird conversation, I think about something that makes me feel free. I think its time to end the night off with the thought of you, Jessie.

I gave permission to my hands to explore my body. I can feel my body relax the more that I explore. The act of closing my eyes so that I can allow thoughts of you to roam free feels too familiar. The feelings that I have for you brings me to an intense climax every night. I made an oath that I will only allow you to have my mind and body. I could never allow someone else to have even the slightest control.

As I'm thinking of you, I can hear you grunting loudly. The heavier I petted, the more that I could see your grunge jacket laying on the dresser beside me. The feeling of you kissing all over me begins to send sweet chills all over my body. I can still hear the gold rings on your fingers drop on the ground as you're taking full control of my body. I can hear the weeknd's music play in the background as you're grunting and reassuring me that I am a good girl.

I took a quick stop! Gold rings? The weeknd music? Grunge outfit? Calling me a "good girl" during sex?! Fuck! Why has Matthew found his way into my mind again?! I swear, I do not feel anything towards him! Ever since that stupid interaction that we had earlier, I feel as if I am going crazy. What I am feeling for Matthew is nothing of importance. I will get over these feelings in the morning.

I removed my hand from my underwear and went to sleep. This should all blow over tomorrow. I will just avoid Matt and this will all be over.