MY LIFE YAY (aka rants)

Dad & Friends

Today I saw my dad cry for the first time since my dog died on November 9th, 2013. He saw the cuts along my arms and he started crying. I've never felt so bad. If you didn't know, my mom was told she couldn't have children and she magically got pregnant with me. She was so worried and serious that something bad was going to happen to me. I survived fortunately, but she had to have me cut out. Afterwards, her reproduction system had to be taken out. I only have been told this about a few times, and sometimes I cry that I can't have any siblings. Anyways, when the nurse handed me to my dad he became the father that would protect me with his life, he would kill anybody that tried to hurt me. When I told my parents about a guy who was being substantially mean to me, my mom had to hold my dad's hand so he wouldn't get up and find him and hurt him severely. I saw him cry and I broke. I broke more than I was broke before. I suddenly felt like I shouldn't cut anymore, that I shouldn't have suicidal thoughts anymore, but I don't believe that might stop anytime soon. It might, but I don't believe it. I want to stop now. I'm even getting help. But seeing my dad cry like that, I was hurt, yet mended. I'm going to try and stop cutting, but I need help. I want to make my dad happy again. I don't want him upset because of me. Please help me. Please. I'm so hesitant to publish this because I feel like I'm asking to much, but it just helps to write. Please just help me through this. I'm scaring myself, but it just happens. I don't like seeing people unhappy. I don't like it at all, and I'll do anything to make him happy. If he told me (which he probably wouldn't) to kill myself and that would make him happy, I'd do it. I care about my dad that much. And so far, depression is making me lose my friends. I'm close to losing my best friend Jasmine because of it. Because it makes me see things and understand things. She says that she hasn't changed, but everybody I ask says she has. Jasmine, if you're reading this, I'm sorry, but sometimes you have to face stuff that you don't think is true because you don't want that to be you. You believe that you're still you. You're denying us because you don't want to believe it. It doesn't matter what has changed, sometimes people change and others who know them can sense it. You may hate me because I'm saying this or dislike me, but I just needed to get that out to you. Thank you for reading this.

- @iamepoh

- @spacedouthistorian

- @nightfire2003