The Ghost Of You

Hurting You

Carter

I'm a fucking idiot, a moron and the biggest dumbass on the planet. They didn't kiss and I have never felt more relieved then watching him get on that bus and drive away. I don't know what he said to her before but she was quiet afterwards and I haven't talked to her in a day, almost two now. Inside I know that he didn't say anything to upset her, it was me who hurt her before she even saw him. The loss was one of the hardest ones yet, and seeing her in his jersey even though I knew she was wearing it, set me off the words came out before I could stop them.

I'm at her door step again with flower in my hand. Shane went off on me at the house afterwards and now I feel like I'm back at square one with them both. Every time we move five steps forward, I do or say something that brings us ten step backwards. I got shit faced at the house last night, we didn't do anything special. The guys all stayed in and we played video games and drank because knew that they would be out celebrating their victory. I know for a fact, that if I ran into him or anyone from his team that I would have beat the shit out of them again.

It would have defeated the whole purpose of what Madden did, and that's the problem because it wouldn't have even crossed my mind. I don't think, I just act and speak which always puts me in the dog house or worse, and now here I am again about to apologize. How many times am I going to say sorry until it means nothing to her? I knock on the door and pray that she'll talk to me but I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to.

The door opens and it's Cal I look past him and see Collin, Izzy and Madden all sitting on the couch with a board game all set up on the coffee table "It's not the pizza" he says and moves aside to let me in.

Madden looks up at me and her eyes widen "Carter, what are you doing here?" she asks.

Her eyes go to the flowers in my hand "I wanted to apologize and talk" I feel so fucking uncomfortable doing this with an audience.

"Well I have plans right now" she just sits there and stares at me like...like she doesn't care.

Cal walk past me and takes a seat next to her "Alright, sorry I interrupted" I set the flowers on the counter and walk out the front door.

She follows behind me "You can't just show up to apologize every time you mess up Carter"

I turn around and look at her "What else am I supposed to do?" I already know the answer.

"You make this so hard sometimes" she says with a sigh.

I see the exhaustion on her face and it's because of me I'm exhausting "I know I do and it's something I'm trying to work on, but it's not going to happen over night"

"I don't expect it to be Carter, but sometimes it feels like you don't even care" her words cut deep.

"You know that's bullshit" I say flatly.

"Really?" She asks and the disappointment is clear in her eyes "You're your own worst enemy"

My jaw locks "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you continuously push everyone away and assume the worst from the people who care about you the most" her word cut through me like a razor.

"Fuck this" I turn and walk away as I start to fume. The anger coursing through me was going to have me saying a hell of a lot worse than that.

"Look whose the only walking away this time" she calls out after me and I don't look back.

I take the stairs down so I don't have to wait for the fucking elevator. I need fresh air to help calm me down before I erupt like a volcano that's been dormant for years, slowly building inside. I get outside and walk across the street to my car and get inside. I grip the steering wheel, white knuckling it like my life depends on it and look up at the window into her apartment.