Step Five: Things fall apart, so better things can fall together
Several months ago, I woke up from sleeping next to my almost husband whom I had come to have an extremely feverish relationship with. I wake up everyday feeling a tremble in my heart that utters… ‘everything has changed’. I was spending everyday surviving, not realizing what I was doing was not surviving but merely existing. Could it be worse?
I got a call that day. It was him, telling me to meet at an old place we used to hang out. Walking with heavy steps, I immediately saw the brown brick building that brought so much treasured memories back. It was our college campus where all our firsts happened.
I remember the days where everything was just perfect, where a single stem of red rose could make my entire day, where colorful sticky notes would suddenly pop out of my locker saying ‘see you later’, where we would just sit under a tree where there’s a deeply-carved ‘forever you & me’, where we would run childishly, him chasing after me.
As I reminisce our shared memories, I can’t help but smile, unconsciously. But that little curve on my face slowly fades away as I see him upon reaching the space beside him.
I sat down on the grass, hugging my knees and trying to compose myself as much as I can. And silence surrounded the atmosphere, causing us both to feel awkward. Yes, I now feel awkward around him. I used to get chills when he walks by, I used to feel my heart race when he smiles my way, I used to have a twinkling eyes that light up when I hear his name. But not anymore… now, he’s just a bad memory in the back of my mind. But the saddest part is, I still do love him. I still love this man who gave me the most painful pain I have ever felt in my life.
“Hi.” he finally mutters, giving me a sincere and longing look. It took me about five seconds to respond. “Hello.” I replied, strangely. He rolled his eyes around the campus, smilingly, as if reminiscing our past memories. “Do you remember the first time we met? I don’t think I have ever told you how I felt about it. At the cafeteria, you were just wearing a plain white shirt and blue jeans, yet you were the most beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes on. You were so cute and your deep brown eyes were so fascinating. I felt like I could lose myself in them. I never used to believe in love at first sight, but that day when our eyes met, my heart raced and felt like it would burst out of my chest. It was like the home run feeling, that jump over the fence feeling. And when you winked at me, immediately I fell in love. I knew then what love at first sight felt like. I have been in love since that day and still am.” He is staring at me the whole time. I do not know what to say. He continues even before I got to say a word.
“Remember our first kiss? My knees went weak and I couldn’t breathe. It was the most magical moment ever. Our first talk, our first talk till dawn. It lasted like just over eight minutes, though it’s been over eight hours. “My God, look at the time!” We both said, cursing the violet sky. You are the only person I could talk to for hours without getting bored, Kris. Your giggle is my most favorite sound in the whole wide world. Girlfriend, the first time I introduced you to my friends and family as my girlfriend. I felt like I won the lottery and the luckiest man alive. Our first morning. You asked me if I want a coffee, tossing the duvet your way as you pad to the kitchen. I love waking up next to you every single day. Our first fight, our petty fights. You slapped me hard and I kissed you hard. We fight and we make up, forgetting what we were mad about. Our future. You bring to me a happiness no one else has before. Kris, you are the most remarkable person I’ll ever have met in my life. You’ve touched my heart in so many ways that today I feel completely lost without you.”
He stops. His words left me in awe that I can’t even manage to compose myself anymore. I didn’t think he would remember those little details about our relationship. Before I knew it, I felt a tear falling down my face, and then another. He grabbed my left hand and placed it on his left cheek. “It equally hurts me too to remember how things used to be. Kris, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I messed up.” He pleads, bursting into tears. I caressed his cheek and brought his face closer to mine.
“Luke… you are and have also been the only one for me, the owner of my heart. Forgive me for being so cruel with your feelings, for treating you with such a hostile manner. But can you blame me? My heart was filled with anger, fueled with sadness and regrets. How I wish I could just move on, forgive you, forget the hurt and start over. As much as I want, I just can’t. Believe me Luke, I tried. I guess I need time. Time to heal. Time to breathe. Time to regain a part of me that was lost in the process of this whole thing. God knows how much I want you back, how much I want you to stay in my life.”
Crying like a baby, he kissed me passionately on the lips, full of love and longingness. I kissed him back like it’s our first… and our last. I let go, trying to hold my breath and said, “When all the pain is gone, maybe we could go back to step one… I love you, Lukas Williams.” He wiped the tears from my eyes, saying the words I always love to hear. “I love you, Kristen George. I always have, I always will.”
We stood up, taking separate ways… And THIS IS THE STORY OF US.
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